


Freefall

by Bobjrxo



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bisexual Male Character, Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, F/M, Fluff, Gore, M/M, Slow Burn, Smut, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-29
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-09 06:07:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 24,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16444280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bobjrxo/pseuds/Bobjrxo
Summary: Dean may indulge once in a while but that doesn't mean he's willing to allow himself to stray from the all-masculine womanizer that he appears to be for more than a night. But Castiel isn't going to wait forever. The timeline starts at the end of season 6 and strays from there. Cas brought Sam back right away (soul intact), and after the big showdown the 3 of them do what they do best which means a monsters of the week sort of deal (but with less focus on the monster and more on their love lives).***This fic isnt AU but it's not necessarily Canon i.e. Castiel has more emotions that the show portrays angels to have and the boys magically found the bunker and live there :-) basically I kind of make stuff up that I want but yeah.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo this is my first EVER fic. And I'm relatively new to the fic community so feel free to drop me a suggestion, correction or anything. Any and all feedback welcome :) also sorry not sorry about ignoring everything after season 6, but we're really only here for the deancas

Dean emerged from the bar (alone, unfortunately) and stumbled towards the impala. It was late, 1, maybe 2. _No, it must be 2,_ Dean thought, because the bar was closing up and he specifically remembers hearing them yell last call at 1:45. Dean smirked, proud of himself for figuring it out in his drunken state.

The presence of rain was heavy enough for Dean to subconsciously appreciate the way it made his baby glisten, but not heavy enough to chill his inebriated warmth. He shuffled up to the car on heavy feet, leaning against the door for leverage, and rummaged in his pockets for his keys. When his hands turned up empty, he groaned and muttered obscenities to himself. He hadn't planned on driving, Dean wasn't _that_ reckless, but just wanted to pass out in the back seat for a few hours until he sobered up enough to make his way back to the motel.

He groaned, turning away from the impala and started retracing his steps, peering too intensely at the ground for the shimmer of keys. The rain was starting to pick up and he could feel his clothes becoming damp against his skin. 

20 minutes later and Dean was slumped down on the concrete in the alley way beside the bar, his search proved fruitless; he could barely see straight let alone search for a small ring of keys in the dark of the night. He groaned and knew sleeping in an alley was a little too far off the dignity scale, even for him.

"Cas" Dean breathed out to the empty street, sounding more whiny than intended but still too drunk to really care. "Caaaaas" he said again, louder this time, as if the angel was more likely to hear a prayer depending on his volume. Less than 30 seconds later, he heard light footsteps coming towards him. Dean lolled his head up, he hadn't realized he had let it fall to his chest, and made out the shape of a familiar trench-coated friend.

"Caaaas! You came!" Dean slurred, grinning widely up at the angel looming over him. He had told Sam and Cas where he was going so he wasn't surprised he showed up. "Dean." Castiel greeted with a nod of his head, his voice deep and growly as usual. He squinted down at the man on the ground, tilting his head to the side. "What are you doing... here?" He knew Dean had been out drinking, he had tried to get Cas and Sam to join him but neither had been up for it, but was surprised to find Dean sitting on the cold and wet concrete when his car was just on the other side of the bar.

Dean's eyes were closed and his head set on his shoulder at an uncomfortable looking angle when he mumbled "I can't find my keys..." And proceeded to a full on pout. Castiel could feel a smile tugging at the corners of his lips, amused by Dean's current state, but he kept his face passive, an old habit of being a soldier.

Castiel disappeared without a word, knowing Dean was too far gone to notice. He flitted around the property trying to spot the red bottle opener he knew was attached to the keys. When that turned up nothing he went into the establishment and after looking around the tables and the bar, he found them under one of the urinals in the men's room. Castiel made a face, but he'd been around a long time and "seen alot of shit" as Dean once verbalized so elegantly, so finding the keys only a few inches away from a suspicious green jelly looking substance in a dingy bar bathroom was barely an inconvenience.

Cas had been gone no longer than 10 seconds before he returned to Dean who, as expected, had not moved and was now snoring lightly. Cas sighed and moved his hand to place a light touch on Dean's shoulder to bring them both back home. Before he was able to reach him however, Dean jumped suddenly, snoring himself awake. Castiel's hand was still outstretched to move him to the bunker but Dean grabbed it and hauled himself up, making Cas do the heavy lifting.

Cas was an angel, he was stronger than Dean could ever imagine, but when Dean gripped his hand to heave himself up, Cas lost his balance for moment and nearly toppled on to him. He corrected himself but ended up a little closer to Dean than humans would consider appropriate while the sluggish human made his way to his feet. Castiel opened his mouth to tell Dean that he would take them home and they could come back for the car tomorrow, when Dean took a deep breathe in through his nose, and let out a slow exhale from his open mouth with a quiet "Aaaaaahhh".

"Cas, man, you smell goooood." Dean said and proceeded to lean in even closer to the angel, practically sticking his nose into the collar of Cas' jacket and inhaling once more. "Like a fuckin' rainforest in the desert or somethin'." Castiel leaned away from Dean, pressing his hands firm against the man's chest to prevent him from following, no longer trying to hide an amused smile.

"Thank you, Dean. Are you ready to go home?" Dean just stared at Cas, his eyes still half closed, face peaceful. Suddenly he blinked and seemed more aware, as if he was just realizing where he was and who was in front of him. The rain had let up and the proximity of the men's bodies kept Dean warm. In one swift move, Dean had cupped the side of Castiel's face and pushed their lips together into a soft, but unwavering kiss. Dean's other hand had floated it's way down to rest on Castiel's waist.

Castiel was rigid, but the instant Dean's lips were on his own, his brain went into overdrive. He pulled from his vast array of knowledge, research, personal experience, and years of observations to figure out how to proceed. He knew Dean was drunk and obviously had found no one to share a bed with that night, which means his arousal had not been satisfied. With his hands still on Dean's chest, Castiel pushed just hard enough to make Dean lean back.

When Dean did so Castiel dropped his hands and smiled softly, but before he could say "you need to go home and rest", Dean had thrown himself at Castiel once again, this time much more insistant. Dean had his hands wrapped around Castiel's head, keeping their lips together and not allowing Cas to pull away. Dean spun them around so that Castiel's body was sandwiched with the brick wall at his back and Dean's own body pressing against his front. Castiel could feel a bulge in Dean's pants, poking him just above his own erection that was swiftly materializing. Dean's tongue made it's way past Castiel's lips and dove in so that both men could taste and feel the other. Castiel's tongue apparently liked the technique and found it's way into the other mouth as well, though not as forcefully. Dean's hand was still on Cas' head but now he was running his fingers through his hair and yanking just hard enough to elicit a small moan from Castiel that made Dean echo with his own.

Castiel had to stop this. Dean was drunk and just 1 minute ago barely conscious, but the feeling of their saliva mixing together, hands pulling roughly at his hair, and Dean's body flush with his was simply captivating. But then Dean lifted his body from the angel slightly and before that movement could register, Dean's hand was in Castiel's pants, fingers fumbling for his cock, and Castiel gasped.

In an instant the warm body in front of Dean disappeared and he went face first into the brick wall, slicing his eyebrow open and red clouded his vision, the pain jolting him into sobriety. "Oh, fuck!" Dean yelled, falling to the ground, hands clutching his face where it was already throbbing. Dean sat there for a moment breathing hard and deep to get used to the sudden pain, when he felt soft fingers touch his forehead briefly. He opened his eyes, the pain and blood gone, and was sitting on his bed in his room. He just sat there for a moment, then groaned and fell on his back.


	2. Chapter 2

A few weeks had passed. Castiel hadn't brought it up or acted weird (well, weirder than usual) so Dean didn't dwell on it. He decided it had probably been a dream. A surreal, very _realistic_ dream, but a dream nonetheless.

After taking down a pack of werewolves that had taken up residence in a small town a few hours from Sioux Falls, the brothers and Castiel were out celebrating. Dean was currently at the bar, and Sam could tell from his face and body language that he had turned the charm up to 11 with the bartender. And to Dean's credit, the curvy brunette was fluttering her eyelashes and resting her elbows on the counter to let him sneak a peek. Sam saw her laugh exuberantly at a joke that he knew was definitely not that funny, and snorted.

Castiel met Sam's eye at the disgruntled noise and raised an eyebrow, questioning. Sam nodded his head towards Dean's obvious mojo he's got going on. Castiel looked and nodded, and Sam watched as Castiel glanced at the man, with a face that showed some amusement at Dean's obvious endeavor but underneath Sam could see sadness. Longing. Hurt.

Sam took a drink of his beer and looked at the label, which was pulling off slightly from the condensation. “So, you guys never ended up talking about it?” Castiel sighed and his gaze returned to Sam briefly before he stared at his hands in his lap. “No.” Castiel answered. There was a pause and Sam honestly didn't expect Cas to say anything else, but he continued, “There is nothing to discuss. Dean was inebriated and if I were to bring it up, he would simply be embarrassed, and nothing would come of it.” Castiel's voice remained unreadable, almost stoic, but Sam knew better. He knew Cas’ true feelings towards Dean, even if the angel had never actually vocalized them. It didn't need to be put into words, it was all there.

Castiel had been confiding in Sam for a long time, things he couldn't talk to Dean about. Dean himself, for instance. But whenever Sam offered to speak to Dean, Castiel's eyes opened wide, suddenly anxious, and made Sam swear that he wouldn't say a word. Sam had been trying to figure out Dean's feelings on the relationship for a while now. He couldn't read his brother when it came to this scenario. Not that it wasn't obvious Dean cared for Castiel, a blind person would be able to see it from a mile away, but he didn't know if what Dean felt was a brotherly love, or something else. And Sam knew his brother had no issue with Castiel's vessel being male. Not that the brothers ever talked about it, but he knew Dean didn't exactly prefer women over men. 

//

One time, years before, in between hunts, Dean had announced he was going to the bar and told Sam not to wait up with a wink. A few hours later and Sam's phone rang, it was Dean. Sam rolled his eyes, assuming he was calling to get a ride even though he'd taken the impala to the bar, and answered the phone. Before he could even get out a greeting, Sam was cut off by the sound of panting. His ears immediately perked up and he spoke quietly into the phone. “Dean?” Sam whispered, his heart suddenly pounding in his chest that Dean may be in trouble.

There was some rustling, and then along with the breathing he could make out the sounds of moaning. A few seconds later and the colour drained from Sam's face at what he heard. “Dean, oh my God, fuck yeah. Right there. Uuunnnnhhh.” As quick as humanly possible, Sam fumbled with the phone to hang up and threw it onto the bed. He put his hands on his face and squeezed his eyes shut as if willing the memory of a man's voice moaning his brother's name out of his mind.

The next morning at breakfast, Dean had been sipping his coffee looking out the window of the diner, his mind obviously elsewhere. Sam held his coffee mug in his hands, and stared at his brother. He cleared his throat. “So, uh, how'd it go last night?” He didn't even try to keep the judgment out of his voice. Dean looked at him, smirked, and took another drink from his coffee mug. “How do you think, Sammy?”

“Oh I know how it went Dean,” Sam replied dryly, “since you pocket dialed me and I got a little snippet of the action, such as a guy moaning my brother's name.” Dean looked back at him, not the least bit embarrassed, a smile on his face. “Yeah Sammy, well that's what grown ups do to have some fun, you should try it sometime. Might allow you to relax for once.” Dean leaned back in the booth, amused by the whole situation. Sam scoffed. “Yeah, well, next time, leave your phone in the damn car, all right?” But he could feel a smile on his face at their usual banter.

That was how the brothers talked about stuff. It was rarely some big revelation with hand holding and healing circles. They accepted each other as they were. They weren't raised to talk about their feelings. It's not that John hadn't cared, or wasn't open-minded, but it just wasn't something the men did. Maybe if there had been a motherly figure in their life the brothers would have learned how to adequately converse about their emotions and problems, but as it was, they were fine. And Sam was alright with that. He didn't need Dean to come out in some big statement announcing his sexual preferences, just as Sam didn't have to do that with Dean. When Sam had gotten home from school in their teenage years to find Dean making out in their motel room with a guy from school, he hadn't said anything, just told Dean to next time put a sock on the door. 

//

Sam came back to the present, his mind pulled back to the booth with Castiel, in a bar with music too loud and waitresses flitting from table to table quickly to keep everyone happy. Castiel sighed, his shoulders hunched as if in defeat. “Look man. Dean is who he is. He's stubborn as hell, and is definitely an ass, but he cares and doesn't know how to show it. I think maybe he doesn't want to lose his friendship with you, or compromise anything.” Castiel looked up at Sam. Castiel sighed again, _He must be going for a record for sighing in a single evening_ , Sam thought, but this time the sigh was less sad, and more resolute.

“I understand that. And I certainly do not want to compromise my relationship with neither your brother or yourself. But it is getting… difficult… to ignore.” Sam nodded at the angel's admission, but he couldn't think of anything to say to that. As it was he looked back over to see Dean leading his new lover out of the bar with his hand on her lower back. She must have just gotten off work because she had her bag slung over her shoulder and a jacket on now, and Sam watched as Dean put his mouth to her ear to whisper something, his arm now completely encircling her waist, but they were out the door and out of his line of sight before he saw anything else. He glanced back at Castiel and saw that the angel had also watched the encounter and looked downright sad. Sam sighed softly. _This is not going to be easy_ , he thought to himself.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!! Thanks so much for reading!! I appreciate any feedback you guys have for me, whether it be for how I've written Dean's sexuality, their characterizations or anything. I love to know what you think. Thanks all!  
> Btw this is kind of a filler/lead in chapter, their angsty relationship starts picking up after this

Dean didn't come back.

He and Sam had been arguing. It started with a smart ass comment from Dean about Sam leaving a pot in the sink. _"Leavin’ it to “soak” so that I have to wash it, hey?”_ Dean’s tone had been joking but was laced with annoyance as he glared at Sam and stomped over to the sink, making sure even the next town over heard the racket he made.

Sam had responded defensively, pointing out that he was usually the one to take Dean's laundry out of the dryer after it sat there for a few days waiting to be folded. It escalated from there. Castiel knew the actual reason for the bickering was most likely due to the fact that they'd been holed up in the bunker for over 2 weeks. Sam had hit his head hard in the last hunt and was benched temporarily, and the other two men felt too guilty to go on a hunt without him.

With little else to do, and only so many ways the boys could stay busy, they started squabbling, much to the annoyance of Castiel. When it got to the point where the angel had to step in-between the men (both of whom had their chests puffed out and were standing as tall as possible as if the extra testosterone was inflating them), Dean told them both to fuck off, grabbed his jacket and headed up the stairs. “Dean, where are you going?” Castiel asked exasperated. “Out!” Dean growled as he slammed the door behind him. Sam just rolled his eyes and shook his head, undeterred by his older brother’s temper.

But that was yesterday, and Dean never came back.

It wasn't like him to not check in, and as the day got later, Castiel started getting anxious. “Dean, please answer the phone or text me so I know you're alright.” He said in the third voicemail. When he asked Sam if he was worried, Sam absentmindedly shrugged his shoulders, his eyes staying fixed on whatever he was reading on his laptop.

The sun started setting and Castiel knew he couldn't just sit there. He bounced over to the nearest bar, scanning the crowd for Dean, listening for his husky voice. With no luck there, he bounced over to a strip club a few blocks away. As his eyes searched for Dean, a young woman approached, her body almost completely naked, and Castiel could see her makeup crusting into the lines of her face. Still, when it came to the human species, Castiel couldn't deny she was beautiful. A few inches shorter than him with straight chestnut brown hair that stopped suddenly at her shoulders. Her eyes were a dark brown, so dark Castiel could see specks of black onyx throughout. And she flaunted herself shamelessly, confident of her ability to stir desire.

“Hey there,” she greeted him, a twinkle in her eye, “What's your name?”

“Castiel.” She grinned wide, putting her bright white teeth on display, “I’m Sabrina.” She was very close. So close in fact, Castiel could feel her breasts against his body and smell the hint of a fruity perfume wafting out from her, despite the overwhelming musk of alcohol and body odor in the club. Sabrina put her hand on his arm.

“I am looking for my friend.” Castiel said, suddenly nervous. Sabrina glanced around them. “What does he look like?” After describing Dean, Sabrina shook her head. “I'm sorry, I don't think he's been here. He sounds like someone I'd remember,” she glanced up at Castiel through feathery lashes, “but, that doesn't mean you have to go.” As she said it, her hand squeezed his arm and her other one grabbed his tie.

Castiel watched as she bit the end of it seductively, never breaking eye contact with him, a playful smile on her lips. Feeling a warm stir in his lower belly, Castiel stepped out of her reach “I'm sorry. I should go.” His tone obviously conveyed his urgency, because Sabrina just smiled warmly and nodded. She reached up and planted a soft kiss on his cheek. “Come back anytime. No charge.” She whispered in his ear. Then she winked and walked away.

Now standing outside the club on the sidewalk, Castiel sighed and looked around helpless. After taking a few minutes, he groaned annoyed with himself, remembering that he could track Dean's GPS through his phone. It tracked him to an apartment building near the bar Castiel had originally searched.

Immediately he knew he was at the right place, as the unmistakable black car sat parked on the road. The thought that it was a good sign the car was front and centre and not hidden somewhere entered Castiel's mind, but he knew better than to let his guard down. He flitted from floor to floor, listening for Dean's sounds, sensing for his presence. Though the inscription on his ribs made him invincible to angels, Castiel knew Dean. He had known him for years, lived with him, knew the pattern and essence of his soul. So it only took a couple of minutes to narrow down which apartment Dean was in.

Castiel looked around at the hallway, standing in front of the door of the home he knew Dean was inside. He was suspicious. Was Dean being held against his will? Was he hurt? Though Cas heard and saw no signs of either, he knew anything was possible.

Castiel appeared suddenly in the apartment. The air felt warm and thick, and the first thing he saw was an individual in front of him. The man hadn't noticed him yet, his back was to the angel as he hunched over the kitchen counter, chopping something. But he knew it wasn't Dean. This man was taller, a buzzed head, and his skin several shades darker. And obviously more muscular. Dean was in good shape, but this man appeared as if he lived his life in a fitness regime. He was wearing black boxers and nothing else, giving Cas a clear view of the man's body.

Castiel was still taking in his impressive appearance when the man turned around, finally noticing a random, trench-coated stranger in his home. The man bellowed and jumped about 3 feet in the air, the cheese and cutting board he'd been holding flying in every direction. Almost immediately, a door to Castiel's left opened and he was relieved to see Dean safe. The second thing he thought was that Dean's thighs were much paler than the rest of his body. Finally he saw, in the middle of the paleness, Dean's member full frontal.

Castiel opened his mouth to say something but no sound came out. Which was fine, because Dean stared incredulously at him and cried out: “Cas!? What the hell?”. Castiel finally broke his gaze away from Dean's hanging appendage and looked up at his face, which showed only shock (though a blush was quickly spreading to convey his embarrassment) but no signs of distress.

“Ummmm…..” was all Castiel could manage to spit out. He glanced between Dean and the other male who was staring at him with an equally shocked expression, and poofed out of there and back to the bunker.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to include more in this chapter but I am kind of trying to keep a consistent word count from chapter to chapter, so I ended it there.

Castiel was…. Shocked? Yes he was, but something else more so. He heard the blood rushing through his vessel’s body, soft yet insistent white noise in his ear. The taste in his mouth was metallic, bitter. He looked down and saw his fists clenched at his sides, and could feel his body vibrating. Along with his chaotic thought process, he recognized his state of emotion.

Castiel was furious. He was currently in his bedroom, feet wearing a path in the floor as he paced back and forth. Every few minutes, he would take seat on the bed, but that would only last until he once again thought over the events in his head, and then he was back on his feet.

This whole time. He thought. What did he think? That Dean loved him, but not his vessel, and humans relied on physical attraction to determine if an intimate relationship was viable. And up until an hour ago, Castiel would have been confident to say that was the only reason him and Dean were still _just friends_ after all this time; Dean's inability to distinguish between Castiel himself and the vessel he presented as, therefore thwarting any potential relationship.

And yet, the individual Castiel saw in that apartment appeared to match Jimmy biologically. Which only further confused Castiel. Had he spent the last few years imagining the bond shared between the angel and the righteous man, where in Dean never felt the special connection and remained around Castiel for the mere convenience? Or was there something else, perhaps the bond was present and obvious to both men, but Dean saw no intimacy in it, loving Castiel as he loves Sam. Castiel tried to think of which scenario would be worse; Dean, the man he loved, using him as a tool, a partnership, or regarding Castiel so platonic and familial that he could never, _would_ never, love more deeply than that.

Dean had already broken Castiel's heart, all without ever even loving him himself. At this realization, Castiel felt his cheeks flush, sweat beaded along his forehead, ears burning despite the cool room. He was ashamed.

Leaning his forehead against the wall, Castiel shut his eyes, being mindful of his breathing and his vessel's physiological response. Suddenly his ears perked up. He heard the bunker door open and close and a familiar walk coming down the stairs. Castiel groaned internally. The steps were unforgiving and heavy on the ground, stopping right in front of Cas’ bedroom door. Without knocking or waiting for approval to enter, Dean flung the door open and looked at Cas.

”Hey Cas!” Dean yelled with fake enthusiasm. Castiel stood up straight but averted his eyes, unable to look at Dean. “Dean I'm-”

“What?” Dean asked. “What, you're sorry? What the fuck is wrong with you?” He was screaming, and had come forward a few steps so that he was standing right in front of the angel, making it all but impossible for Castiel to look anywhere but Dean's face. “Where do you get off, coming in to my business, invading my privacy. I'm not some kid that needs babysitting.”

Castiel could feel Dean spit spray his face as he talked, unable to control himself. Castiel squinted his eyes and spoke louder than normal but still nowhere near as close to the same volume as Dean. “I was worried about you. I called, texted, left you voicemails. Nothing. No answer. We don't exactly live a squeaky clean life so forgive me for wanting to make sure you were okay.”

”No one asked you to make sure I was okay!” Dean cried, spreading his hands out as if it was a ridiculous motion for Castiel to have his back. Castiel stopped for a moment, and stepped forward making it so their faces were mere inches from each other. He could feel Dean's warm breath on his face as he spoke.

“God. Did.” Castiel said shortly, and then walked past Dean, his patience wavering, as he pushed past his shoulder with his own in the most amount of aggression he was willing to display. He stopped at the doorway and looked back at Dean. “And when did I ever stop looking out for you. For Sam.” Castiel turned and continued walking, not stopping when he saw Sam standing there (though he was shocked as he hadn't heard the younger Winchester approach and was obviously eavesdropping), and headed to the kitchen.

Dean followed, not content with the argument ending there. “There was no danger, Cas, we're not on a case. No threats were made, blood was spilled, I was gone for a day, that suddenly gives you the right to track me down and spy on me?” Castiel reached the kitchen, not even sure why he chose that room to go to, and spun around to face Dean once again. Sam wasn't even pretending to not listen, standing at the doorway with his arms crossed watching the scene in front of him unfold.

Castiel slumped his shoulders and looked up as if the ceiling would give him the answers he needed to end this conversation. “I was not _spying_ on you, Dean, I tracked you there and popped in.”

Dean brought his hands up incredulously, which annoyed Castiel in that moment. He knew he had crossed the line, invaded on a private moment Dean had had no intention of sharing, but his intentions were pure. He was looking out for his family. Castiel set his jaw and spoke up again before Dean had a chance, “I am sorry Dean. For invading on your privacy. But I am not sorry for caring about your well-being.” Dean chuckled at that, short and humorless.

Sam cleared his throat. “Dean I get where you're coming from, but, what is the big deal? Castiel was just checking in to make sure you were alright, and it's not the first time you've been caught in the act with a chick.

Dean turned his body halfway to glance at his brother, but let him gaze drop to the floor. Sam squinted his eyes, catching on that the story was less clear cut than he had originally thought. Castiel sighed, his patience no longer waivering but now completely dissolved in the circumstances.

“Dean was with a man, Sam. He was in the man's apartment, and he was naked and the man was naked and that is why he is so upset.” Sam's eyebrows shot up. “Ah,” he said finally understanding Dean's irritation in the matter. Sam realized Dean was embarrassed. Dean remained silent, radiating anger from within, staring intensely at Castiel who stared back, not backing down.

Castiel's mind drifted back to the thoughts he'd had just before Dean stormed in; his relationship with the brothers, with Dean… it was convenience. He felt his stomach drop and tears well up in his eyes. Castiel was an angel. He was power and force. But now he knew... his constant presence was allowed for their own benefit. The people he regarded as family cared for him no more than a strategic hunting partner. Castiel sucked in a breath and felt a lump in his throat as he tried to control the roller coaster of emotions thundering within him. He looked down at the ground and walked out of the kitchen. Dean grabbed Castiel's arm as he went by but Castiel shook with off forcefully, still never looking up. Neither brother said anything, and he imagined they must have seen the look on his face. He got to his bedroom, shut the door and leaned against it. As his knees gave up and he slid to the ground, he cried softly, feeling more alone than ever before.


	5. Chapter 5

The bunker was silent. Empty except for Castiel who wandered around bored. Sam and Dean had gone on a hunt the morning following their awkward fallout. Sam had come in to Castiel's room where he'd been lounging on the bed, staring at the ceiling. He asked Cas to come with them, but he had just shaken his head and said he would prefer some alone time anyways. Sam smiled to say he understood but didn't leave. Castiel finally looked over at him, sensing hesitation.

“Was there something else?” Sam shuffled on his feet uncertainly. “Cas, listen… I'm sorry about Dean. I know-” Castiel held up his hand to signal Sam to stop. Looking back at the ceiling, he kept his voice even. “It's fine Sam. I'm fine. Please go.” And he did. Less than two hours later and he heard the boys leave. Late that night in the middle of a Star Wars marathon, Castiel received a text message from Sam:

_Hey Cas. Just stopped for the night._

Castiel placed the phone down without replying, but a few minutes later his phone buzzed once more. Sam again.

_I'm sorry Cas. We are here for you just like you're there for us. Don't forget that._

Castiel stared at the text message, and despite the coldness he felt from Dean, he did feel more relaxed and assured than he had all day.

It had been four days since Sam and Dean had left and Castiel was starting to feel better. He had kept himself busy by cleaning up the bunker and visiting different places; he was finding solace in the world's most spectacular gardens. He found his mind was much more at peace when surrounded by the arid life of nature. Sam called Castiel twice during those four days. Once was to ask about a certain type of creature that prayed on children for their baby teeth, the other time to confirm it was said creature, and the boys had successfully taken it down. Neither time Sam mentioned Dean and Castiel had no intention to do so either. Since it was quite the drive, Sam was pretty sure they would be stopping somewhere to sleep, so Castiel didn't expect them back until the following morning. With that, Castiel bounced over to the small general store close by to pick up some items he thought the brothers might appreciate.

As Castiel paid for the items, he noticed a flyer behind the cashier. “What is that?” He asked pointing towards the paper. The cashier turned to see what he was looking at. “Oh, there’s a new bar over on 5th and tonight's their grand openin’. Supposed to be giving out free t-shirts and things.” Castiel nodded. He thanked the man and popped home to put the groceries away. As Castiel sat down to watch the next Lord of the Rings (he actually _quite_ enjoyed the first one and reminded himself to thank Sam for the recommendation), he thought of the party going on at the bar.

“It might be good to converse with humans other than Sam and Dean since…” _since it seems like I may not be around them for much longer_ , Castiel didn't finish his sentence out loud but the thought was still there, along with the now familiar lump in his throat. The angel shook his head and headed to the bar.

//

 _Oopsies,_ Castiel thought, as he stumbled onto the gravel road. Miscalculated again, but he saw he was closer than his last popup. He remembered telling his new friends at the bar, Steph and Ava, that he had to go home. Castiel, angel of the Lord, had not giggled so much in his whole life. His friends made sure he wasn't drinking and driving and he assured them he was just going to “pop on home”. He laughed then, louder than he intended but not caring, and when the women started laughing with him they ended up clutching their stomachs laughing hysterically together for another 10 minutes. By the time Castiel dragged himself away, he had tears streaming down his face from laughing. He knew he'd been trying to poof to the bunker for a while now, but the memories were blurring together.

Collecting every sober fiber in his body, Castiel poofed into the bunker, appearing right inside the front door. He grabbed onto the railing to keep upright. He stood there for a moment, distracted at the sight of his hands. Jimmy's hands. Was that a freckle? Oh goodness Castiel had a freckle. _Like Deeeean_ he thought to himself and lifted his hand to closer inspect the skin, his eyes wide with wonder. That action reminded Castiel that those very hands were holding him up with assistance from the railing as he fell on his butt with a _plunk_.

He sat there for a moment chuckling to himself. When trying to stand proved more difficult than he imagined, he decided to use his current position to his advantage to get to the ground floor. Giggling aloud, Castiel slowly went down the stairs on his butt, each step earning a _thunk… hehehehe_. He wasn't sure how long he'd been making his way down, and he was pretty sure he'd fallen asleep a couple times throughout, but eventually he was at the bottom. Standing up slowly, Castiel stumbled over to the chairs on trembling legs, but he ended up losing his centre of gravity and falling forward, gaining speed and crashing into the table. He fell sideways and brought one of the chairs down to land on top of him. Castiel was lying on his back suddenly, the chair half on top of his body. He laughed again to himself and let his eyes close.

__

_Cas?_ a voice said. It sounded muffled and far away, as if Castiel was underwater. Castiel felt a light pressure on his shoulder and opened his eyes, peering into the jade waves in which he was drowning. “Is he okay?” He heard Sam ask behind Dean, and while still gazing into the emerald globes looking at him in concern, Castiel saw Sam's head poke into his peripheral vision.

“Wuuus’it…..” Castiel interrupted himself with a small burp that threatened to turn into more. He attempted to blink away the bunker whirling and twirling around him. He was definitely still drunk. He must not have been laying there very long. He saw Dean close his eyes and leaned his head away from him, making Castiel long to see those green eyes again. “Phew! Oh yeah, the only thing hurtin’ him right now is the tequila in his stomach.”

__

Castiel felt strong hands grasp both his arms and he was weightless as he was pulled upright, but he was not prepared to steady himself. Dean was forced to support Castiel who leaned into him heavily. Sam stepped forward uncertain, but Dean grunted under the weight and shook his head. “I got him Sammy, go to bed.” Castiel heard Sam walk away and slowly stepped away from Dean, his mind and body adjusting to being vertical again. He didn't let go of Dean's arm though, and he noticed Dean still had his hand firm on his shoulder. “S'it tomorrow 'lready?” Castiel slurred. Dean's eyes still conveyed concern but his voice was cool. “Nah. We decided to suck it up and drive home. Wanted to sleep in our own beds. It's about 3 am I think.” Castiel nodded absentmindedly, he was only half listening, he was busy re-memorizing the face he'd already memorized a thousand times over. 

__

Without warning Dean's face changed. It softened and relaxed as he stared back at Castiel. “C'mon, I'll help you to bed.”

__


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this fic has no rhyme or reason with pov, but whatevs it works and I'm enjoying it lol. As usual please leave me feedback I would love it!!

It wasn't an easy task, getting Castiel into his room. His arm was slung over Dean's shoulders to support him, and Dean was pretty sure Cas wasn't even trying to keep himself upright. He wasn't. He was too busy absorbing Dean's presence, committing his smell to memory, feeling every inch of their warm bodies touching, specifically their hands, which were clasped together tight so that Castiel didn't fall. Skin on skin.

 _Maybe our freckles are bonding,_ Castiel thought, smiling to himself and unintentionally laughing lightly. Dean glanced over at his friend and smiled, unsure what he was laughing at but pleased to see him in a good mood. Castiel changed his view as well to stare deep into the eyes penetrating his own. They had stopped walking and were currently just looking at each other. They'd barely made it to the hallway, neither seemed to be in a rush. Dean unwrapped Castiel's arm from around his neck, slowly to make sure Castiel would hold himself up, and moved so they stood directly in front of each other instead of side by side. Dean opened his mouth to say something but stopped, letting out a deep breath as if unsure how to start.

”I'm sorry.” Dean said abruptly, but without anger. He broke their eye contact to stare down at the ground as he spoke. “I know you were just looking out for me. I… I dunno what to say man. I'm sorry.” Castiel saw only sadness and fatigue in the face in front of him. He didn't trust himself to speak and wasn't sure what to say anyways. Dean ran his hands along his face as if trying to rub away the tiredness he felt, and then ran his fingers through his hair. Castiel watched his hands, analyzing the freckles, lines, knuckles, fingernails, calluses... every small detail that made Dean _Dean_. He felt his eyes well up with moisture and sucked in air without meaning to. The sound drew Dean's eyes back to Castiel, and his face fell when he saw the angels emotions displayed on his face. “Cas…” Dean said helplessly. “I didn't mean to hurt you. To hurt us.” Castiel didn't know what Dean meant by “us” but he didn't care to ask. He was tired of speaking.

Castiel surged forward, letting the alcohol fuel his inhibitions, connecting their lips. Castiel was hungry for Dean; for his mouth, his body, his soul. He brought up his hands to run them through Dean's hair as his tongue sauntered over to play. And he felt Dean's tongue respond, their mouths moving furiously. Castiel felt hands under his coat on his back as Dean pulled them tighter together. Castiel could have cried right there out of sheer joy, finally being touched by Dean intentionally, not prompted by alcohol this time. Castiel's hands had sauntered down Dean's hard chest before settling at the top of his jeans, fingers hooking through the belt loops, and his thumbs settled fortuitously on Dean's bare stomach. It was the smallest of skin on skin contact other than their lips, but it was enough for Castiel to lose it completely.

He disconnected their lips and pushed Dean up against the wall roughly, following with his body to bring their mouths back together right away. Dean's hands explored intimately, going from Castiel's back to his ribs, up his chest, over his collarbones, into his hair, never staying still. And Cas loved it, _relished_ in it. He felt himself leaning into Dean's touch. He allowed his own hands to wander up Dean's stomach underneath the clothing. His body was soft yet firm and satisfied a desire Castiel hadn't realized he had. He felt his trench coat and jacket get pushed off his shoulders and took his hands from Dean only long enough to shrug it off.

Their lips hadn't stopped moving against each other and with each other; biting, nipping, sucking, kissing, as if they were both searching for something in the other’s mouth that they hadn't found yet. Castiel felt his chest become more and more exposed as Dean's fingers worked the buttons of his shirt. Castiel's brain registered the movement while realizing Dean was still wearing all of his clothes and _that_ was just unacceptable. Castiel helped Dean out of his overshirt and then backed his face away slightly to lift the other shirt and drop it to the ground.

Castiel opened his eyes and saw Dean. Like, really _saw_ him. His hair was sticking in all directions, cheeks flushed. He was breathing heavy, his now naked chest heaving up and down. But Castiel noticed most prominent were his eyes. Bright, clear, beautiful. Open wide, staring back in what looked like affection. But… how could he care about Castiel when he didn't even love him like family? Suddenly, all of the thoughts and feelings from the past few days hit Castiel like a truck, reining in his passion to make space for the insecurity and uncertainty.

Before he could stop himself, Castiel threw up, his throat burning as the excess alcohol was purged from his system. He dropped to his hands and knees and emptied his stomach noisily. He heard a door open and feet running towards him. He was dry heaving now, tears pouring out of his eyes and his head pounding from the abysmal muscle straining. In between his panting he heard Sam question his brother about their appearance. Castiel didn't hear Dean's reply but glanced up to see him stomping away, going into his room and slamming the door shut, leaving Castiel in a pool of his own bodily fluids. He started sobbing then. Sam was speaking softly in his ear, rubbing his back in reassurance. But it wasn't Dean. It never would be.


	7. Chapter 7

The next morning Castiel awoke with a groan, but quieted down when he heard Sam and Dean talking in the other room. ”So you guys were just making out and suddenly he started throwing up? Dude, your game must be going downhill with your old age.” Sam said with a laugh. Dean sounded less than amused, “He was drunk off his ass, it's no wonder he started puking. The guy could barely walk.” There was a pause in the conversation as something spilled and one of the boys cursed. “So are you guys like a thing or something?”

“Sammy, this isn't high school. Besides, Cas and I, it would never happen. Ever. It couldn't.” Dean sounded almost repulsed, as if it was out of the realm of possibility to imagine he and Cas together. “Yeah, but-”

“No _buts_ Sam. Alright. We're friends and that's how it's gonna stay.”

Castiel felt his face burn in shame. He bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself together. Fine. If Dean wanted to pretend nothing happened, then that's what he'd do.

//

Over the next month, things settled back down. The tension was undeniable in the group, but as the boys kept working and keeping their hands off of each other, it got easier. Castiel started leaving the bunker at night, usually a couple times a week. The brothers didn't know where he was going, and it was still too awkward for them to ask him. But Castiel almost _wanted_ Dean to ask, to see what his reaction would be; knowing Castiel was out sleeping with other people. He knew it was petty. But it was also the only thing keeping him sane since the person he loved, someone he's around all the time, the person he was _so close_ to having something with, practically ignored him. So Castiel went to bars. And clubs. Bedding anyone who would have him. He learned how to charm and flirt. It made it easier to forget the pain, even for a night, to ignore the open wound of his heart.

//

After one of his late night escapades, Castiel sauntered into the bunker without a word. It was late in the morning and Sam and Dean were in the kitchen discussing their latest hunt when he came in. They eyed him in judgment, Dean more so than Sam, but he just smiled at them and leaned against the counter. They talked for a few more minutes before Sam went to take a shower, leaving Castiel and Dean alone.

Dean continued clicking on the laptop and Castiel sat down at the table and read the paper. A minute later, Dean cleared his throat. “We, uh, found something that may be our type of thing. It's a couple days drive from here. We were gonna leave in about an hour. Wanna come?” The conversation between them was awkward, but Dean's question seemed sincere. Castiel looked up and smiled. “Yes. Of course I'll come.” And with that Dean nodded and got up. He left the room mumbling about needing to go and pack. Castiel felt relief, it was the first time Dean had said a full sentence without any trace of annoyance or embarrassment. Maybe things were turning around.

The hunt took the men longer than normal. It was a vampire who'd fallen off the wagon and went on a killing spree. 3 against 1, no problem. But the boys didn't account for the vamp turning his victims, making it 5 against 3 instead. He was smart too. Warded the warehouse he was staying in with sigils that either fended off or weakened almost all species. This made Castiel all but human when inside the building, which had prompted an argument before they even started (Dean insisted Castiel stay outside and keep watch, while Castiel answered with a few choice words and said he could still fight, getting out of the car before waiting for Dean's reply).

Halfway through the scuffle, Castiel was grabbed by one of the newly turned vamps and thrown 10 feet in the air, slamming against the wall and falling to the ground with an deafening _thud!_ Sam saw Castiel get thrown and then the vamp turned and ran at him so he was immediately preoccupied. As they fought, he watched and waited for a motionless Castiel to move. Sam was able to jump away from the vamp, making a dash for his blade and beheading the creature. At the same time he saw Dean get grabbed from behind, his arms getting stretched back to where his shoulders would dislocate at any moment. The surprise attack made him defenseless and vulnerable to the other vamp charging him. Sam jumped into action, tackling the vamp holding Dean and straddled him before a quick slit separated the head and body. He turned his head to see Dean bring an end to the other vamp.

Sam paused for a beat, scanning the room to make sure all of the threats were dead. He made eye contact with Dean and the brothers nodded at each other to signal they were okay. Sam worriedly looked over at Castiel who remained unchanged, a jumbled mess on the ground. He scrambled over and felt his heart stop for a moment; Castiel laid still, in a pool of his own blood. There was so much that on first glance Sam didn't know where it originated from. He looked back at Dean who had stood up and moved closer, but seemed frozen on the spot at the sight of the angel. His face was pale, mouth hanging open slightly.

Sam turned his attention back to Castiel. He was on his back, his limbs splayed out uncomfortably. Blood soaked the side of his face and pooled under his body. Sam felt his throat seize up but pushed his own emotions aside to take care of his friend. Using only his fingertips, Sam gently nudged Castiel's head to the side and then had to turn away, focusing on taking deep breaths to repress the bile threatening to come up as he saw skull and brain.

Sam closed his eyes, his mind racing. Castiel was an angel. He may be incapacitated in a physical vessel, but not dead. Sam looked at Dean, who still stood there just staring.

”Dean! Help me carry him!” Sam yelled at his brother, reaching his arms under Castiel's back and slipping his hands under his arms, hoisting his upper body up. “Dean!?” Sam cried at his brother. Dean took a step back and raised his hands slightly, as if unsure of what to do. Sam could tell he was in shock. Sam grunted getting to his feet while lifting Castiel with him. The angel’s vessel wasn't a small guy, but Sam was bigger, and started inching his way backwards towards the door. Castiel's legs were dragging across the floor, and Sam saw no sign of consciousness within him. He could feel a burning pain in his side and clenched his teeth together, hissing. He wouldn't stop, wouldn't slow down until he got them both out of the warehouse.

After what felt like hours, Sam let Castiel down gently. He had gone all the way to the grass that started about 15 feet away from the building. Leaning over the angel, Sam put his hand on his cheeks and shook gently, willing him back to life.

”Cas?” Sam pleaded, his voice breaking. “C'mon Cas, wake up.” Sam heard a noise and looked up in alarm but saw it was only his brother, who followed them out into the dark night. An exterior light on the side of the building was the only thing keeping them from complete blindness, but it was enough for Sam to see the pain etched into his brother's face. Sam looked down again.

He blinked and the blood was gone, along with the bits of brain and bone. In its place blue eyes peered back at him. Sam huffed out a breath of relief. He laughed and as Castiel sat up he pulled his arms around him and gripped tight. After a moment he felt Castiel cautiously hug him back, giving a small squeeze in reassurance. Sam pulled back, embarrassed by his lack of restraint but grateful anyways. As they made their way to their feet, Castiel looked up at Dean. Sam's face fell when he also looked at his brother, who's broken expression has changed to one of heated anger.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pissed at myself for making the chapters so short. My reasoning was it allows me to update more frequently, but now I feel like I have to squeeze so much into so little words. Anyways this chapter is longer cause I was not about to cut it off halfway. 
> 
> Also smut warning but not the smut we truly want yet lol

Dean's hands were at his sides in tight fists. If this was a cartoon, steam would be coming out of his ears and his face would be beet red. It was pretty red as it was. As Castiel stood up fully, he cocked his head to one side, his face displaying his confusion at Dean's increasing emotional state. None of them had said a word yet, but as Sam looked back and forth between the other two, he knew a confrontation was brewing. He stepped forward, half putting his body between Castiel and Dean. All the boys spoke at once.

”Dean…”

”What is-”

”Cas, what the _hell_ is wrong with you!?” Dean bellowed. Sam actually jumped slightly at the animosity in his voice. Castiel still looked confused but his face darkened as well, squinting his eyes, his mouth set in a firm line. “I told you not to come in. You can't hold your own without your powers and you almost messed everything up for us.” His words were vicious and accusatory. Cas interrupted the tangent. “Dean, I tried my best. The creature blindsided me. None of us would have stood a chance in that moment. And besides, nothing happened, everyone is fine”

”Yeah, no thanks to you. You almost got yourself killed. You were useless.” It was hard for Sam to watch Dean attack Castiel like this, but he knew he had just been worried about him. Castiel didn't sense that. His eyes darkened even more, the light on the building started flickering, and a gust of wind came out of nowhere accompanied by a flash of lightning close by. Dean seemed unfazed by the display of raw power.

After a couple minutes of a stare-down, the storm quieted and Castiel's features softened into sadness and pain. “So the moment I am no longer a powerful, _useful_ being, I am a burden.”

Sam was desperate to lighten the situation. “No, Cas, you're not a burden. Dean, shut up. Let's all just head back to the motel and get some sleep.” Castiel and Dean just stared at each other. Castiel finally looked over at Sam. “I'll see you guys in the morning. I want to be alone for awhile.” And with that he was gone. Sam turned to look at Dean. “What the hell was that Dean?”

//

Castiel ended up in a bar close to the motel they were staying at. He sat there drinking constantly, oblivious of the loud and boisterous crowd around him. It didn't take long for the alcohol to do it's job. When he'd arrived he had given the bartender one of the stolen credit cards Sam had given him for emergencies, and told her to put everything on there. He could tell from the bartenders expression she was impressed by Castiel's tolerance.

It was late into the night and Castiel was well into a hazy state, his grace whirling around inside of him ungracefully and his vision blurry, when someone sat next to him. He dragged his eyes up and saw a kind face looking back at him. The man had delicate features, brown eyes and hair to match. He was clean shaven but his skin was youthful and smooth.

“Hey. I'm Caleb.” The man stuck his hand out and Castiel shook it, firm and strong, as Dean always said. “Cas.”

Caleb took a sip of his drink. “Are you here alone?” he asked. Castiel just nodded, downing the rest of his drink. He wasn't sure how many he'd had but the bartender now looked scared instead of impressed whenever she had to give him another one. Castiel squeezed his eyes shut and sighed. He painted on a smile and looked at the attractive stranger. “But hopefully I won't leave here alone.” He said with a small smirk, raising his eyebrow suggestively.

Caleb didn't need any more than that. A minute later and he had Castiel up against the wall outside. Their tongues danced together in each other's mouths. Castiel was unfeeling, uncaring. There was no emotion in him. If he allowed himself any, the pain would be overbearing. They were grinding against each other, moaning and cursing. Caleb realized they were practically fucking in public and bit Castiel tenderly until his mouth got to his ear. Castiel moaned as he felt Caleb's tongue dart in and out of his ear and teeth nipped at his earlobe. “Let's go somewhere.”

Castiel used his hands to navigate Caleb's mouth back to his own. After making out for another minute he leaned back. “I have a motel room down the road.” Caleb smiled and nodded.

They burst into the motel room and we're instantly pawing at each other's clothes. Castiel let Caleb take the lead. They were on each other constantly, and as they worked their way out of their clothes Caleb guided the two of them towards the bed still kissing each other like crazy. Castiel felt hands on his chest shove him back, and he fell on the bed, wearing only his underwear. He scooted back until he was sitting up against the headboard as Caleb crawled towards him. He kissed him tenderly this time and then made his way down Castiel's neck, his chest, his stomach, leaving little love bites and pools of spit in his wake. Castiel felt fingers at the band of his underwear and lifted himself slightly so Caleb could take them. They were thrown to the side and a warm mouth immediately encompassed Castiel's penis. He suckled and licked, driving Castiel nearly to the point of no return only to let off at the last minute. Castiel couldn't help but grunt and squirm, and he could tell that Caleb enjoyed it by the way he handled his own erection lazily.

Castiel was just about to push the man off of him to reciprocate, when Caleb brought his mouth back up to the other man's. He tugged Castiel down so he was lying on his back and they kissed eagerly. “Do you have lube?” Caleb asked breathless. Castiel shook his head, mentally cursing himself for leaving it at home. Caleb smiled at him and got up. Castiel just lied there staring at the ceiling. A minute later the bed dipped and Caleb was back, now holding a blue bottle in his hand. He looked at Castiel expectedly.

Castiel realized in that moment Caleb was a very respectful partner, waiting to see if he would pipe up as to which position he preferred, and probably even giving Castiel the opportunity to object to any penetration. Castiel just smiled. “I'm good wherever.” His voice came out gruff and a bit more eager than intended but it got the point across. Caleb shed his own underwear and then brought himself up so he was between Castiel's knees. They kissed again vigorously, both of them excited for what's the come. Castiel heard the cap of the lube open and a minute later felt a pressure. He took a deep breathe out and relaxed his body, allowing the finger to slide in easily.

He groaned with the incoming pleasure and the digit moved in and out of him a couple times before a second one joined. This time they were scissoring and stretching to prepare Castiel. He arched his back in pleasure, moaning constantly. Caleb continued with two for a few minutes, during which Castiel brought his hand between them and tugged playfully at Caleb's own cock, who leaned into his hand eagerly. Caleb joined another finger inside of Castiel and oh man if Cas didn't see white for a minute with pleasure as they poked and played with his prostate. Castiel found Caleb's mouth again and wordlessly urged him to enter him the way they both wanted.

Caleb laid his chest right against Castiel and wrapped his hand around his head, kissing him deep. He then backed away and leaned across Castiel's body to retrieve the condom he must have brought when he grabbed the lube. After the condom was on and some extra lube had been applied, Caleb carefully positioned himself and started to enter Castiel. The men groaned together and Caleb was whispering Castiel's name in pleasure. Caleb had prepared Castiel body correctly and was able to slide in easily and before long they were fucking gratifyingly hard.

Castiel lost himself in the feeling, but not enough that he couldn't stop himself from thinking of those green eyes and what almost was.


	9. Chapter 9

Castiel awoke the next morning to the sight of a body sharing his bed. For a split second his heart surged in his chest, but then the night came back to him and he remembered it wasn't the person he wanted it to be. He sat up and rubbed his eyes. Castiel tended to sleep after nights of alcohol consumption, not to mention the fact that his vessel being practically dead yesterday drained his grace, so it's not surprising he slept a bit. He saw on the alarm clock it was still early, 7:00. The man next to him rustled and stretched, his hand hitting Castiel in the thigh. Caleb whipped his head around and Castiel saw recognition flicker in his face as he remembered the night before.

”Morning,” Caleb said, and sat up to be at an equal level with Castiel. They looked at each other for a moment before Castiel looked away. He cleared the sleep from his throat, “I, uh, will have to go soon. My friends are probably up and want to leave right away.” Caleb nodded his head and swung his legs over the side of the bed. Castiel did the same. He was still getting dressed, his jeans on but shirt still on the floor, when Caleb spoke: “So these friends, um.. Does one of them happen to be Dean.” Castiel spun around to face him, eyeing him up suspiciously. Caleb also still had no shirt on and held a single sock in his hand. “Why do you ask?” Caleb shrugged, “You said his name last night.”

Castiel's face went red and he turned away in embarrassment. “I'm sorry.”

”Don't be. I could tell you were a little heartbroken at the bar. It was all over your face.” Castiel still hadn't turned back to look at Caleb, but his words weren't accusatory, only curious. He just stated it as a fact. Castiel pulled his shirt on and started working on the buttons. He didn't know what to say. Caleb filled the silence.

”You know, I know you don't know me from Adam, but maybe that's a good thing here. You can talk to me.” Castiel finally turned. Caleb was dressed except for his feet. Castiel smiled at him shyly “Thank you. But it is kind of… difficult to explain.” Caleb nodded and sat down on the bed to put his socks on. Castiel finished doing up his shirt and grabbed his jacket, but left the trenchcoat off for now.

He spoke almost without meaning to, “He is someone who gave me a new purpose. We are friends. Family. But nothing more. And it's there but for some reason Dean… he won't let it happen.” Castiel kept his eyes down. He sat on the bed keeping a respectful distance between the two bodies.

“Why do you think that is?” Castiel shook his head at the question, “I don't know. He always just pulls away at the last moment. And lately I have felt like...” Castiel felt bad for disclosing all of this, but like Caleb had said, they were strangers, and it was hard to keep it all to himself, “...I've felt like more of a tool as opposed to an ally.” Castiel finally turned to look at Caleb, whose eyes were soft. He placed a reassuring hand in his knee. He was nodding as if Castiel's vague description of their relationship made sense. “But you think of him as your family?”

”Of course.” Castiel answered, no hesitation. “I would die for him. And his brother.”

Caleb sighed as if that was the wrong thing to say. “Look, I'm not saying there's a right or wrong. But you can only give so much of yourself to someone else before you have to think about what's best for _you_.” Castiel didn't say anything, just stared at his lap. Caleb was right. Of course he was right. “You need to tell him, straight up, how you feel. Don't beat around the bush. Say love it or leave it.” Caleb smiled then when Castiel looked up at him, and Cas smiled back. “Thank you “ he said after a moment. Caleb smiled again.

Castiel looked at his lips, and spurred by the twitch in his groin, he leaned forward into them.

//

”Dean, we're not leaving without Cas. Let's just go to his room.” They had tried calling the angel four times with no answer, so Dean had told Sammy to get his shit so they could hit the road. “Ugh, fine.” Dean growled, grabbing his bag and walking out with Sam. “But if he's not ready to go, we're leavin', alright? He can fly back to the bunker.”

As Dean said that, he tapped two quick knocks on Castiel's door and walked in. They walked just barely into the room before both freezing on the spot. In front of them, Castiel was standing shirtless. He was in front of the table placed against the back wall. Another man (also shirtless) was sitting on the table with his legs around Castiel. As the brothers stopped to take in the scene in front of them, the men, who had been kissing, pulled their faces apart but didn't move, staying otherwise completely still out of shock. The man pulled his hand out of the front of Castiel's pants, the button on his jeans undone and his zipper down.

Dean mentally noted everything, and nothing. He saw Castiel's hands were on the guys thighs. His hair was messy, his face flushed, and his lips slightly swollen as if he'd been kissing for hours. The other man was equally as disheveled but along with shock also seemed sheepish at getting caught with _literally_ his hands down someone's pants. Sam broke the silence first.

”Uh, Cas, hey, we were gonna get leaving here pretty quick and um…” Sam trailed off but nobody seemed to notice. Castiel slowly backed away from the other man, who thankfully got the hint. He jumped off the table, collected his clothes, and practically ran out of there, throwing a smile towards Castiel as he left. As he walked past them, he glared at the brothers.

They stood there for another minute, Castiel and Dean staring at each other with equally unreadable expressions and Sam looking anywhere but. Finally Dean turned on his heels. “I'll meet you guys in the car.” He stated matter of fact, and Sam couldn't tell if he heard anger, sadness or something else in his voice. He glanced back at Castiel and followed his brother.


	10. Chapter 10

The drive was awkward to say the least. Sam and Dean kept their eyes straight, not wavering from the road. Castiel was in the backseat looking out the window. They had been driving a couple hours and no one had said a word. The radio was off so the silence was audible. Sam cleared his throat. “Can you pull over, I gotta take a leak.” Dean maneuvered the vehicle off the road silently. They were in the middle of nowhere and hadn't seen another car let alone a gas station for miles. As Sam stepped out so did Dean, taking the opportunity to relieve himself at the same time. Castiel also got out of the car to stretch his legs.

He was admiring the landscape of the desert when he heard Dean walk back to the car. They made eye contact and if looks could kill, Castiel knew he'd be dead. He thought about Caleb's advice and thought, _Well, now or never_.

“Dean do you have something you would like to say?” Dean had opened the driver's side door of the car and was about to get in when Castiel asked. He looked up at him before walking slowly back around the car. He seemed calm except for how hard he slammed the door closed. “Well Cas, since you asked, I just think it's funny how even after all this time, we barely know you.” Dean stopped walking a few feet away from Castiel. “I mean, you're gone all the time, apparently having _sex_ with random people, with _guys_ , I.. I don't even know what to think.” Dean had his hands out in disbelief.

”Dean, why don't you want to be with me?” Castiel asked abruptly. Sam chose that moment to walk back to them and immediately regretted it. Dean just stared at Castiel, stunned from the question. Castiel stared back. “What… what are you… what!?” Dean stuttered out.

“Why don't you want to be with me?” He asked again.

”Cas, what are you talking about, why are you asking me this?” Castiel took two long strides forward, bringing himself right up to Dean. His voice was unforgiving, his face dark. “Answer. The question.”

”Cas, you're my friend okay. We're not… “ he exhaled, “I don't feel that way.” Dean was in the defense, trying to neutralize the confrontation that took an unexpected turn. Castiel's face remained unchanged except for his eyes showing the sadness he felt. “So, no then. That's what you are saying?” Castiel wanted Dean to say no, that's not what he meant, but there was no answer. Castiel turned away swiftly and walked a few steps from Dean, trying to figure out his next move.

 _Love it or leave it,_ Caleb's advice echoed in his mind. He pushed the tears back down and turned back around to face Dean, keeping his voice passive. “Then I must go.”

After a pause, Sam stepped forward, “No you don't need to leave Cas. Let's talk. We can work through this.” Castiel's eyes didn't leave Dean. He smiled sadly. “No. We can't. I can't.” He looked between the two men. “Goodbye.”

”Cas, don't-” Too late. He was gone. Dean just stared at the spot where Cas had been. Sam brought his hands up to run his fingers through his hair and looked at Dean incredulously. Dean didn't notice, he was still staring at the air.

//

Castiel flitted from town to town, never staying in one place for very long. He tried not to think about the Winchesters. But he was in pain. Not physically, but there was a longing in his chest that couldn't be filled with alcohol or strangers. It had been a couple weeks since Castiel left Sam and Dean in the desert and he felt hopeless. He was sitting on the end of a dock, staring out at the setting sun over the water. Castiel decided to go to the only place he could think of.

The house was dimly lit, there was dust on most of the items and it almost seemed empty. Castiel turned around and saw a tired, gruff man sitting at the desk with a pile of books strewn out on it. “You just gonna stand there all night?” Bobby asked him shortly. Castiel smiled and sat on the couch. He didn't take it personally, if anything he enjoyed a familiar face.

“What are you working on?” Bobby downed the rest of whatever was in his glass before answering, “Boys are huntin’ a pagan God, tryin’ to find a way to end her once and for all.” Bobby glanced up at him finally. “How are you doin’?”

Castiel sighed, “I assume you heard about what happened.” Bobby nodded and poured himself another glass of whiskey. “I heard. Heard you guys had a falling out and you split.” Castiel nodded. He figured they wouldn't tell Bobby the details.

“Are they alright?” He felt awkward asking, half expecting Bobby to roll his eyes and tell him to stop his whining and bitching. But he just shrugged and spoke softly. “As good as can be expected.”

He knew, Castiel realized. Dean would never share that with Bobby, Sam must have told him. They sat in silence, the only sound coming from Bobby occasionally turning a page in his book. Castiel was content to stay, but he forced himself to stand up. “I should go,” he hesitated a moment, “thank you. For letting me stay here for a while.” Bobby didn't stand up but he looked at Castiel. “Come back whenever you like.” Castiel nodded and smiled.

“Cas?” The angel had just about poofed away but waited for Bobby to say whatever was on his mind. “Just so you know, it's not you. It's himself he's scared to admit it to.” Castiel didn't know what “it” was. He smiled once more at Bobby, and left.

//

When he was sure Castiel was gone, Bobby texted Sam.

_Cas popped in. hes safe._

20 minutes later, Bobby's phone buzzed; Sam.

_Thanks Bobby. Good to know he's okay. Let me know if you hear anything else._

Bobby thought for a moment before replying.

_i wouldnt say he was okay. hows dean?_

Bobby got up to make himself a sandwich. When he got back he looked at his phone to see an unread message.

_Same. In denial. Hopefully they figure their stuff out soon. They'll both be happier._

Bobby nodded to himself but didn't reply. He rubbed his hands across his face; he's gettin' too old for this shit.


	11. Chapter 11

For a while, Castiel would pop in on Bobby two or three times a week. He was obviously lonely so he didn't mind. And it gave Bobby the opportunity to ask him about a species they were hunting or confirm some lore. Castiel may not be a seasoned hunter but he had been around a long time.

Castiel started going out on jobs Bobby found. Easy ones, a witch or a demon, just to keep him occupied. It was an ideal arrangement; Bobby knew that the angel was alright while getting help, and Castiel would confirm that the brothers were still doing well. But he slowly started showing up less and less and after a month, Castiel stopped showing up altogether.

//

Three months had passed since Dean had rejected Castiel. He did his best to hide his pain using the only coping mechanisms he knew, but Sam saw right through him. They didn't talk about it. But this time when Sam walked in to their motel room after doing some late night research and found Dean passed out in the bathroom, he reached his breaking point.

There was vomit all over the room and Dean himself. Sam wrinkled his nose at a smell and he realized his older brother had pissed himself. Sam groaned in annoyance. He was tired of taking care of him. Tired of him being depressed, irritable, and in denial. Sam worked at cleaning up his brother; he dragged the deadweight into the shower and turned the spray on, as cold as possible. Dean mumbled but otherwise remained unconscious.

20 minutes later and he'd gotten Dean cleaned and dry, dressed him in some sweats and tucked him into bed (a little ungracefully but hey, Dean was lucky Sam didn't just leave him on the floor). He cleaned the bathroom using only one hand, his other occupied by pinching his nose to keep out the acidic smell that made his eyes water and threatened to upheave his stomach.

//

Dean awoke the next morning, squinting his eyes at the sun shining on his face through the curtain. He sat up in the bed groggily. His hands clutched the sides of his head at the onslaught of pain he received from the movement. A groan escaped his lips, which got Sam's attention who was sitting at the table on his laptop.

“Morning.” Sam said much too loudly for Dean's liking. He moved off the bed slowly, his aching bladder the only motivation to leave. While in the bathroom he rinsed his face and brushed his teeth, avoiding the reflection in the mirror that resembled someone he no longer recognized. Dean left the bathroom and sat at the table with his brother, who handed him a coffee.

Sipping the coffee, Dean could feel his brother's eyes on him. He looked up and sure enough, there was Sam staring, but after a few seconds, he sighed and turned his attention back to his laptop without a word. The boys got dressed and resumed their current hunt. By the time they sat down again it was lunch time and they were sitting in their car across the street from a house, waiting for the man they believed to have knowledge of the random deaths in the area to make a move for them to trail. Sam thought it was as good a time as any to speak.

”Dean,” he started, “are we ever gonna talk about it.” Sam looked at him but his brother remained unfazed, still eyeing the house. “Talk about what?”

”C'mon man. Enough, okay? _Enough._ ” Dean turned to look at Sam then. “Cas told you how he felt... and you rejected him. For what reason, I'm still not sure, cause I know for a fact now that you sure as hell feel the same way about him.” Sam stopped and waited. Dean's eyes were down now as if the dashboard of the car was suddenly the most interesting thing in the world. Sam knew he was treading dangerously, Dean wasn't one to gush about his feelings and even less so since Castiel. “Tell me why, why did you tell Cas you didn't feel the same way? I honestly just want to help you man, to see from your point of view.”

Dean exhaled, and Sam saw the moment he gave up. Gave up pretending, trying to hide. Dean's eyes welled with tears and Sam had to bite his tongue to keep his own composure, so unused to seeing his brother emotional. “I uhhh… i- it's complicated Sam.” Dean swallowed hard.

“What's complicated? Your feelings, the relationship?” Sam prodded. At that moment they heard a noise and both the boys jerked their heads to see their suspect leaving in a car. Sam groaned internally, he was not going to let this drop.

//

They were in an abandoned barn right on the outskirts of the city. The man had been a demon as they suspected, but they decided to capture him and tie him up to get some more information before performing the exorcism. The demon was self-righteous and sarcastic (as per usual) and seemed to enjoy getting a rise out of Dean, who was only containing his violence by Sam reminding him the person inside may be alive. That was until Sam saw a dark splotch under the jacket and they found a stab wound directly in the heart. They got a bit rougher after that, and it was a low level demon, so he broke relatively fast.

”Stoooop, I'm telling you the truth! It's just me here, no other demons in town. I was just having a little fun- AAAAHHHHHHH!” The demon cried out as Dean carved into the body with Ruby's knife.

“Please, please stop I don't know anything.” The demon gasped for breath in between shrieking in pain. He was begging now, bargaining, and Dean had turned away and had been about to tell Sam to do the exorcism because the screams were hurting his ears, when something the demon said caught his attention. He was looking at Sam's face who squinted his eyes in confusion as he also heard the demon, but only for a moment, until the words sunk in and they both whipped back to look at the demon.

”What did you say?” Dean asked cautiously.

The demon gulped before answering, “I'll tell you where they're holding the angel.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: torture  
> This chapter is definitely more gory and explicit than I expected it to be, but I went with it, maybe I'm just a sick puppy. It's pretty detailed so be warned. Please let me know what you think :)

The barn became a bit chaotic after that. Dean was in the demon's face, screaming, trying to get him to explain what he meant. The demon was screaming back, refusing to say anything else while he was still tied up. Sam was trying desperately to call Bobby, with no answer. Finally Sam pulled Dean away and they walked outside. It was becoming dark now, but Sam could still see the fear and anger in his brother's face. He was pacing back and forth.

Sam grabbed his brother by the arms to get him to stay still. “Hey, it's alright. Demons lie okay, I'm trying to call Bobby now and we'll see if he's heard from Cas.” Dean looked at him like he'd grown a second head. “Why would Bobby have heard from Cas?” Sam dropped his hands but before he could answer, his phone rang. He put it on speaker.

”Bobby, hey.”

”Sam. I got your message. So this demon says they got Cas holed up somewhere?”

Sam nodded. “Yeah, tell me you've heard from him though. I know you guys talk pretty frequently.” At this, Dean gave Sam a startled look. Sam just stared down at the phone.

” _Talked_ is more like it. Haven't seen the guy in a couple months.”

”What!?” Dean growled out, “Well, why didn't you look for him? Or tell us so we could look for him?”

”I _did_ look. I had all my feelers out, I tracked his phone, nothing. No one heard anything. He had mentioned it made him sad to come see me so I figured he needed some space.”

Dean closed his eyes and dropped his head. Sam knew he was blaming himself. “The demon said he would show us where they're holding him.”

”Alright well give me a call if you need help with anything.” Sam hung up the phone and he and Dean immediately went back into the barn. They stood at the edge of the demon trap holding the being in. He looked up at them in hatred. Dean crossed his arms. “Alright. Talk.” 

//

Dean was driving dangerously fast down the dark highway. The demon was in the trunk of the car, bound with a devil's trap on the trunk and warded handcuffs on his wrists. “Dean…” Sam started.

”I don't wanna hear it.” The demon hadn't given them anymore information than where. They had no idea what shape Castiel would be in, how many demons they were going up against or even _why_ they had taken him in the first place.

The sun was coming up by the time they reached the address. It was an abandoned logging yard with a run down warehouse at the farthest end. “Lots of hiding spots.” Sam pointed out and Dean nodded. It looked quiet, but that didn't mean anything. Dean cut the engine so they could sneak in on foot. They boys got out and opened the trunk to let the demon out. As Sam taped his mouth shut, Dean stocked up with weapons. Dean shoved the demon back in the trunk and they started on their rescue mission.

The brothers were just starting to think they had been sent on a wild goose chase when three demons appeared in front of them. They fought and hacked their way through, taking on another five by the time they'd even made it inside. The demons were higher level, they could tell by the wardings throughout the place and their fighting abilities.

The boys were exhausted by the time the demons stopped running at them, fighting about 25 by the end of it. Dean had a wicked cut on his chin that was probably exposing bone, and Sam was pretty sure his hand was broken. Both men had several broken ribs. Walking down the hallway, the boys stopped in front of a door that was more coated in sigils than the rest of the place. The brothers shared a glance and went inside.

An audible sob came from Dean, but Sam barely noticed. His brain didn't register the scene in front of him, and he had to blink a few times to make sure he wasn’t imagining this. Not that his mind was even twisted enough _to_ imagine it anyways. His stomach did a flip and he swallowed to keep everything down.

There were no lights but the wall farthest from them was all windows so the sun enlightened the room. A lean body hung from the ceiling, chains wrapped around the wrists so his arms were up over his head, high enough so his feet were a foot off the ground. He had no clothes on except for boxers, and even those were ripped and tattered. He was filthy, flies buzzing around as if to accentuate the fact that this may not be more than a dead body. Sam noticed a bloody heap on the ground, and seeing that along with the gruesome slash across the man's belly, Sam realized those were probably intestines. He didn't want to find out for sure. One of his arms was bent at the elbow, and Sam couldn't figure out why it looked odd, until he saw the palm of the hand facing him and so was the bend. He couldn't keep his stomach contents in this time.

After retching, Sam wiped his mouth and despite his fight or flight urging him to turn around, he starting inching forward. He noticed Dean was following his lead, keeping at an equal pace. As he got closer, he confirmed the man to be Castiel. Sam saw a pool of blood on the side of his head which had dripped down and soaked his naked shoulder. The blood was from the lack of an ear, he realized. It hadn't been recent though, the blood was crusted to the skin. All of the more serious, obvious injuries were accompanied with a whole body full of less serious ones. Castiel was covered in various lacerations, burns, bruises and bodily fluids. His face was swollen and purple. Dean retched then, also overcome by the sight and smells in front of them.

Along with his retching, Dean sobbed. Cried. They'd been hunting for their whole lives, they'd seen a lot of terrible things. Worse than this even. But knowing who was under that torture and despair… it was too much for both of them. Remembering how terribly their last encounter had gone. Sam finally broke his gaze away from Castiel and laid a hand on his brother's back. Dean straightened after another moment, spitting out the excess bile in his mouth, and took a deep breath. He closed the space between them and gently, unsure of himself, his reached up and cupped the bloody face. Sam stepped forward as well. He saw Dean's adams apple bob unevenly before he let out a heartbroken whimper.

“Cas.” His thumb rubbed lightly on his cheek, careful to not cause any further pain. His hands drifted to the man's neck and he pressed. “He has a pulse.” He sounded almost sad at the realization; it would almost be easier for Castiel to be dead than to experience anymore of this pain.


	13. Chapter 13

”We need to get him out of here.” Sam's voice was weak, and broke when he spoke. Dean tried to gather his thoughts and think rationally. “How?” He asked. Sam knew there was more than one area of concern. Jostling him down from the ceiling would no doubt cause him an exceptional amount of pain. Getting his arms out of the chains was out of the question, they were tangled and imbedded deep into the skin. They'd have to find bolt cutters. And they would be walking for a while before getting out of the warded building, the pain would be unbearable for him.

Sam looked around. “It's a warehouse, there has to be some tools here, and maybe a sheet of wood to carry him on. Let's split up and see what we can find.”

”I'm not leaving him.” Dean said simply. Not angry, just resolute. He looked over at Sam who barely paused. “Alright. You stay here. Keep an eye out for any more demons lingering around. I'll be back.” Dean nodded as Sam left the room.

Sam scoured the area for supplies. He came up empty with bolt cutters but found a saw that may do the trick. And he was able to break off a piece of exposed wall to act as a stretcher. When he returned, Dean hadn't moved. He was staring up at Castiel, his face a constellation of emotions. “Alright. Let's do this.”

Sam stood on a chair and hesitantly started working through the chains connecting the angel to the ceiling. Dean held his body still to make it easier for Sam and hopefully to lessen the pain. Castiel didn't react though, he stayed unresponsive the whole time. By the time Sam broke through, he was sweating and breathing hard. The shock had worn off and he was able to feel all of his injuries from the fight they had just won.

Sam wiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand. “K, I'm just about through. Hold on to him tight and I'll hold onto the chain as best I can so he doesn't drop.” Dean widened his stance to prepare for the incoming weight.

A few minutes later and he felt Castiel drop slightly. Sam moved off the chair still holding onto the chains wrapped around his hands, and they carefully laid Castiel down on the plank of wood. This elicited a groan from the man, which both relieved and concerned the boys as it was the first reaction they'd gotten out of him.

With Castiel laying on the ground, Dean took over to give Sam a break and worked to free his hands completely. They both avoided looking at the unnatural angle of his arm or any of the other disturbing injuries his body currently sported. Finally they cut away the chains and threw them aside. The boys decided to very carefully lower his arms to his sides so that he would fit in the car. As Sam slowly lowered the butchered arm, the angel sucked in a sudden breathe and his eyes flicked open, but then his head rolled to the side and he was out again.

They were drained and exhausted, but they didn't stop. They situated themselves on either end of the makeshift stretcher and started back to the car. It was slow with their injuries, Sam's hand was no longer functioning correctly and he had to rest the plywood on his arm.

They made it there to see the trunk open and the devils trap scratched, but the demon was nowhere around. With more pressing issues, they forgot about the demon but kept their wits about in case they were suddenly attacked. They waited a while to see if Castiel would awaken by himself having been taken away from the sigils, but nothing happened. They boys decided to put him in the car and take him back to the bunker where they could nurse him properly. Dean slid into the backseat holding on to Castiel's shoulders to drag with him. Sam followed with his legs and Castiel's head landed on Dean's lap. Dean threw Sam the keys and he went to the driver's side with neither having to say a word.

Dean used his fingers to brush Castiel's hair out of his eyes. When Sam would glance in the rearview mirror, there were silent tears running down Dean's face, and it was almost as if he didn't even realize it. Once in a while he would hear Dean murmuring to Castiel. It was too quiet for Sam to make out what he was saying but he didn't need to know.

Thankfully it was only a few hours drive back to the bunker. By the time they got there the boys had been up nearly 36 hours, and Sam was having trouble keeping his eyes open during the long, boring drive. But as soon as they pulled in to the garage, they both sprung into action. They opened all of the doors and cleared the walkways to ensure it would be a straightforward walk.

The brothers carried him all the way to the shower room, Castiel not stirring once. Sam had a wave of deja vu as they laid Castiel on the floor and Dean started the shower to warm it up. Just last night he'd been doing the same thing for Dean. The difference was that Castiel was on the brink of death and Dean had simply drunken himself into a stupor.

Once the room was steamy they whipped his boxers off (the time for modesty was over) and used the hose to spray his body down. The water ran red and brown for a long time before it started clearing up. They used a wash cloth on his face and shampooed his hair to get the gunk out. It was the middle of the night by the time Castiel was washed, dried and in bed. Sam trudged to his own room to get a few hours rest, leaving Dean to stay by Castiel's side. Dean sat in the chair for only a few minutes before his heavy eyelids gave up on keeping him conscious.

//

A few days passed, and then a week, and Castiel remained unchanged. His wounds didn't heal, but they didn't get any worse. Dean left his side only to use the bathroom and occasionally shower. Sam would bring him food but always found it virtually untouched when he came to collect the dishes. Dean would hold Castiel's hand, speak to him, tell him stories. Castiel was breathing and had a pulse, but those were the only signs of life. Neither of them said it out loud, but they weren't even sure Castiel was still in there, though Jimmy would never have survived his wounds.

Sam was about to come in to the room and hang out for a bit, but the door was open a crack and before he entered he heard a noise and listened. He realized Dean was crying. It was soft, he was trying to keep himself quiet, but Sam knew. He sniffled and spoke to Cas, but Sam only caught bits of what he was saying: _”... sorry… come back… love you…”_. Sam leaned against the wall outside the room, feeling tears spill over his own eyes. He didn't know what to do. He felt helpless. Useless. Desperate.

Sam decided to go for a walk. The air was chilly but clear. As he got further from the bunker, he thought about all the angel had done, everything he had given up and sacrificed. It wasn't fair for him to go out this way. Sam stopped walking, surrounded by trees, wildlife, and Earth. Something had created this. All of this. Divine creation. Divine _intervention_. Sam sat down on a fallen tree, hung his head and closed his eyes.

He prayed for a long time. He must have been sitting there close to an hour. Just begging. Pleading for help from anyone who would listen. Sam listed off all of the amazing things Castiel had done. He had helped to stop the _devil_ for Christ's sake. He was pure. God had asked angels to serve humans, to love them, and Castiel was the epitome of that mission. And now Castiel needed help. He _deserved_ help.

Sam talked until he had nothing left to say. By the time he opened his eyes and stood up, his ass was sore and his back ached. He sighed deeply and started back to the bunker. 

//

It was dark. Pitch black. The kind of darkness that makes you question if your eyes are even open. A voice sounded far away. Then suddenly it was right there: _Go outside_.

Sam woke up with a start. His body was shaking slightly. He had fallen asleep in the war room, books strewn about as he searched for a comatose angel remedy. Lifting his head from the table, the memory of his dream came back to him. The voice was familiar but he couldn't place it. He got his gun in case it was a trap and made his way outside.

The outside light was on illuminating the doorway, but behind where the light reached it was dark. The moon was hidden behind clouds, giving the night an unnerving feeling. Sam stepped outside cautiously.

“Hello?” He called out, peering down the road both ways. He turned around to head back inside, when he heard a noise from behind. Sam spun around, raising his gun in alarm. He stopped short when his eyes focused on the figure in front of him.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am super proud of this chapter. I also realize that this turned into a kind of predictable fic in some aspects but as I've said before: i kinda just do whatever I enjoy lol. Thanks for reading. As always feel free to leave me feedback.

”Hiya Sam.” Gabriel greeted him cheerily. He was sucking on a red lollipop and acted totally casual, as if showing up somewhere in the middle of night after _dying_ was completely normal.

“Gabriel.” Sam said stunned. He dropped his gun, his eyes wide. “You're dead.”

Gabriel laughed. “Sammyyyyy. When will you learn- what you see is _never_ what you get with me.” Sam was speechless, but found his voice eventually, “Why are you here?”

Gabriel's face changed then, becoming more somber than Sam had ever seen him. “I heard your prayer. Castiel… he's hurt?” Sam felt his chest constrict. “Can you help him?”

Gabriel looked him dead in the eye. “I can try.”

//

Sam made Gabriel wait in the war room, warning him not to get up to _any_ funny business. Gabriel just rolled his eyes and looked around the room curiously, distracted by the peculiar home they lived in full of knowledge and secrets. He could feel heaviness, the energy of a fizzling angel. He had to swallow and take a deep breathe to make sure the feeling didn't overwhelm him.

A moment later, Sam returned with Dean hot on his heels. Dean had obviously been sleeping, though he looked less than rested. Gabriel expected some half-wit banter and was ready to reiterate his true intentions to Dean to convince him he was honestly just there to help.

“Can you save him?” Dean asked without preamble, his voice a distant echo of what it used to be. It shocked Gabriel, he looked… heartbroken. Gabriel sighed. “Let me see him.”

The boys led Gabriel to Castiel's room. He just stared at him. Finally, Gabriel walked towards the body covered by a thick stack of blankets. Gabriel put his hand on Castiel's chest and closed his eyes. “Oh, brother.” He whispered sadly to no one in particular. He stayed like that for a long time before moving his hand to rest on the top of Castiel's head. Sam and Dean had moved to the opposite side of the bed to watch the interaction.

Dean was anxious. “Well?” Gabriel ignored the brothers who stood there waiting for an answer. He was no longer present in the room with them, he was trying to find Castiel, who was trapped within his own mind. A few minutes later, Gabriel opened his eyes to see the brothers still staring at him. He smiled. “Found him.”

Gabriel found Castiel cocooned in the essence of his grace. He wasn't too surprised; he had caught the gist of the rescue mission from Sam's prayer, and combine that with the horrifying state of Castiel's physical body, it's no surprise he found solace within his spiritual matter. They were in what resembled a meadow, but it was obviously not on Earth, not bound by the laws of physics. The air had a slight pink haze to it. The grass was effervescent and swayed in the wind though Gabriel felt none on himself. Waves could be heard crashing in the distance, peaceful and methodically, but there was no trace of water anywhere around them. There were bees dancing from flower to flower, and bunnies and deer running around freely. The sky was cerulian and clear, but almost see-through, as if you couldn't look directly at it because then you wouldn't be able to see it at all. The colours were vivid and lively while still calm and not too intense. Every angel's personal sanctuary is unique; created by and for their own comfort. This was Castiel's.

In the middle of the meadow, 20 feet from where Gabriel stood, was Castiel himself, facing away. He seemed peaceful, just lounging there. He was in his true form as he had no reason to bury himself in the confinements of physicality. Gabriel himself appeared in his true form, and slowly started extending his own grace in peace. Castiel hadn't noticed him yet, but he wanted Castiel to see he meant no harm.

His grace swirled and tip-toed over unhurriedly, cautious to not make any abrupt movements. It was patient and non-threatening, aware of Castiel's fragility. As it came closer to Castiel's own essence, the mood shifted. Castiel stood and turned abruptly, displaying a defensive stance and flaring out, similar to animals when they make themselves appear larger to intimidate predators.

Gabriel's grace retreated slightly as a show of amity but then continued inching forward. He languidly wrapped his grace around Castiel, intertwining them together while emitting subtle gestures that made it obvious he was not there for battle. The movements made Gabriel more open if Castiel were to attack him, so the action represented trust between both of the celestial beings. It was also a show of protectiveness; representing Gabriel's motive to help Castiel.

All of these many, delicate movements conveyed more between the angels than vocalized language ever could. It was deeper than language and speech, it was basic instinct, bred from another plain of existence. Gabriel saw Castiel submit, allowing himself to be enveloped in the safety and security of his brother.

”What are you doing here, brother?” Castiel asked, curious but wary. “I'm here to bring you back.” Gabriel replied

”Back?”

”Yes. You're safe now Castiel. You're at the bunker. With Sam and Dean. You're safe.” Gabriel continued to leisurely comfort Castiel with his grace to keep him reassured and calm, a reminder he was there to help.

”Safe…” suddenly Castiel let out a humourless laugh. He stopped, looking sadly down at the ground. “I have nothing to go back to.”

”Yes you do, you have Sam and Dean. They're there, waiting for you to wake up.”

Castiel shook his head and unwound from Gabriel's grace, but didn't completely disengage himself. He spoke with a neutral voice. “Sam and Dean are better off without me. I don't have anyone. I don't fit in with my family in heaven and I… I am lost. Unneeded.”

Gabriel felt his patience getting thin and rolled his eyes. “Dude, are you serious? Sam and Dean literally took down a _horde_ of demons to rescue you. They friggin’ carried your lifeless, broken body, washed you, and tucked your ass into bed. Dean hasn't left your side for more than five minutes. C'mon man, no one likes a pity party.”

Castiel didn't respond, but Gabriel could tell he was thinking about his words. He turned around and his grace cascaded around, showing how frightened he was.

“I'm scared.” Castiel admitted, and Gabriel couldn't blame him. “I'm scared to go back and deal with the demons, but… even more than that. I am scared to lose the people that I love again.”

Gabriel felt his grace respond to his brother's sorrow, and yearned to shelter him from this pain. With a final push, Castiel's grace completely melted with Gabriel's. “Brother, I don't think you have to worry about that.”


	15. Chapter 15

When Gabriel came back to the present, Sam and Dean had settled onto a couple chairs and were snoring. Dean was hunched over lying on end of the bed with his arms crossed over his face, holding Castiel's foot, and Sam was up closer to Castiel's head. Gabriel looked at the angel's body and touched two fingers to his forehead, clearing away the physical trauma. It would still be up to Castiel to bring himself back.

Dean slept all through the night, waking early to see Castiel still unconscious but healed. _Well, that's a start,_ he thought to himself. His brother was gone and he could hear some movement in the kitchen, so Dean made his way out there to see Gabriel and Sam at the table. They were lounging there talking quietly when Dean poured himself a steaming coffee and sat with them. Sam smiled at him but Dean ignored it, “Why didn't you guys wake me up?”

”Well, you looked like you needed to recharge the old battery.” Gabriel answered with a smirk. Sam rolled his eyes at the jokester, “Dean, I just got up about half an hour ago myself. We needed to rest.”

Dean didn't say anything to that, just sipped his coffee. “So what did you find out about Cas?”

”Well, I found him, in that crazy head of his. I tried to convince him to come back.”

Both of the boys furrowed their eyebrows. “ _Tried_ to? What does that mean?” Sam asked in alarm.

Gabriel spread his hands helplessly. “The rest is up to him. I've done what I can.” Dean swallowed hard, trying not to imagine Castiel _never_ waking up. He locked eyes with Gabriel and looked away quickly in shame, knowing Gabriel had caught the look on his face and knew what he was thinking.

They were quiet for a while, lost in their own trains of thought, until Dean sighed and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “Gabe, I uh… I know we've had you know… we haven't always seen eye to eye,” Dean cleared his throat trying to find the right words, already regretting saying all of this out loud, “but um, you know, thank you. For being here, and helping.”

Gabriel just nodded, he hated chick flick moments almost as much as Dean, “Well, if there's one thing you guys have shown me, it's that sometimes you have to stand up to family, and other times you have to stand up _for_ family.” Dean smiled at their heartfelt moment but was happy to be done with it. He got up and went back to sit with Castiel. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he held his friend's hand and spoke soft words of encouragement to come back to him.

//

Dean had spent all day talking to Castiel, reading to him and just keeping him company. That night he'd fallen asleep watching the Scooby Doo movie on Netflix. He'd placed the laptop on the dresser and watched from Castiel's bedside until he drifted off to sleep. When he awoke, he allowed his brain to fully wake up before forcing his body to follow suit; it was stiff from the unnatural sleeping position.

The room was dark as the computer had timed out, but a lamp on the other side of the bed gave the room a warm glow. Dean groaned and forced himself to get up, but noticed his hand was still holding Castiel's, and he could feel a subtle movement on his knuckle, like a thumb tracing reassuring circles.

Dean sat there trying to determine if he was actually awake or not. He did some quick math in his head and twitched all of his toes one by one. When he was confident he was awake, he allowed himself to imagine who could, who _must_ be rubbing his hand.

Slowly, Dean raised his head. He saw a familiar hand, leading to a familiar arm, and finally, a familiar face. His eyes met the clear blue ones he had so longed to see, and Dean let out a shaky breath he hasn't realized he'd been holding. The angel's eyes were healthy and clear, and stared back at him fondly.

“Hello Dean.” Castiel said, and Dean felt his heart shatter into a million pieces. He couldn't move, couldn't say anything, just stared.

Dean eventually remembered he could move, and lunged forward suddenly, smashing almost violently into Castiel and squeezing his arms so tight around him that he knew if Castiel had been human he'd be struggling to breath. Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean in response without hesitation, though it was much gentler.

They stayed like that for a long time. So long, that Castiel eased his hold of Dean several times only for Dean to tighten his to show that he wasn't finished. He would never be finished, to be away from Castiel's grip. Dean's head was buried in the crook of Castiel's neck, his eyes closed as he breathed in his scent and felt their bodies melded together. This was not a friendly embrace, it was intimate and represented so much more.

Dean had no idea how long they'd been hugging. But reluctantly, he pulled away. He remained sitting on the bed nearly as close to Castiel as before but needing to look at him. Their eyes met again and Dean was overcome with emotion. Castiel's face mirrored Dean's, though it was mixed with another emotion. Fear, and more specifically, apprehension. Castiel had been unconscious while Dean had professed his true feelings and had no idea the care and attentiveness the brothers had given the angel. And Dean hadn't exactly been honest about his position on their relationship.

Dean smiled at Castiel then, a big, toothy smile. Castiel smiled back, reserved and shy. Dean couldn't help himself, he pulled Castiel into another hug, but shorter this time.

“Sorry.” He muttered when they pulled apart again, looking down. And then he remembered how long those eyes had been closed. How he prayed and willed them to be open, to look at them one more time and have them look back at him. So he looked up.


	16. Chapter 16

Castiel and Dean stared at each other before Dean thought of something. He didn't want to leave but knew his brother had been as worried as he was and would want to know that Castiel had woken up. He stood up and started moving away from the bed, “I have to let Sammy know you're awake.” He was just about out of the room when Castiel responded.

”He's gone.”

Dean spun around. “What do you mean he's gone?”

”When I woke up, Gabriel was here. He said he was going to take Sam away for a few days. Then he winked but, I'm not sure what that meant.” Dean was worried, but had a feeling _he_ knew what Gabriel had been suggesting. Regardless, he went out to the kitchen where his cellphone sat and dialed his brother.

”Hey Dean.” Sam answered on the second ring.

”Sammy, you okay?”

”Yeah I'm fine. Me and Gabriel left so you and Cas can work your shit out. You should see the resort we’re in man; a king sized bed, hot tub, the works.” Dean's brain short-circuited at the mention of a king-sized bed _singular_ , but he didn't dwell on it. ”Alright, as long as you're good.”

”I'm good Dean. I'll see you in a couple days.” The brothers said their goodbyes and hung up. Dean turned around to return to Castiel but saw he had joined him.

Cas was sporting some wicked bed head and Dean thought it was quite endearing, and also took in the angel's unusual (for him) appearance of ratty sweatpants and an old Led Zeppelin t-shirt. The garments were Deans as Castiel only had one set of clothes. They had been dressing him in regular clothes since he'd been hurt, but it was weird to see him up and about in them.

Castiel looked shy and hesitant, the way Dean felt. Dean was nervous, and realized that admitting these feelings had been easier before because Castiel had been unable to respond and they hadn't had to figure out what to actually do. “Cas we should talk.” 

Castiel looked away, hurt in his eyes. “It's alright Dean, we don't have to. I am eternally grateful for what you and your brother have done for me. But there is no need for us to discuss our issues. You don't need to try and make me feel better. Let's just forget it.”

Dean cursed himself for the millionth time for how he handled the situation and took a deep breath. “Cas… I don't really know what to say.”

”That's alright. No need for us to talk more about this.” Castiel cut Dean off, looking at the ground awkwardly. Dean was getting frustrated now. Not necessarily with Castiel, but with himself that he'd been so afraid to admit his feelings he had all but convinced Castiel of it being completely out of the realm of possibility.

”Dammit Cas, no. We do need to talk about this. I… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for what happened and for telling you that I didn't feel the same way. I'm sorry you almost had to die for me to realize that I don't need to be scared of this.”

Castiel raised his eyes to meet Dean's. Dean was able to fight back the tears but his voice broke, “I love you, Cas. So fucking much it scared me. It still does scare me. But now I know that... It's okay.”

With that, Dean walked forward. His steps were assured but his body was shaky. He reached up to hold Castiel's head and leaned forward so their foreheads leaned against each other. Dean closed to eyes to gather his thoughts. When he opened them, Castiel was staring back intensely. “Please forgive me. Let's start over.”

Castiel nodded, and with that, Dean connected their lips. It was gentle and quick, but thoughtful. Dean parted from him intentionally slow, trying to show Castiel that he wasn't unsure or uncertain of the action. Castiel's eyes were closed and Dean watched them open, saw the love and affection pouring out of them, and his heart exploded in adoration. He brought Castiel into a tight embrace, never wanting it to end.

They made their way back to the bedroom, Dean holding onto Castiel's hand lazily. Sitting cross-legged on the bed facing each other, Castiel explained the reason for his capture. The demons had just happened to spot him in a store and captured him to try to find out how the brothers had opened Lucifer's cage. They wanted him free again, and tried torturing Castiel into telling them. But Castiel wouldn't talk. Castiel hesitated before adding, “Some of them were students of Alastair's.”

Dean closed his eyes and hung his head. He'd suspected as much, recognizing the practices and techniques from his own days down under. But in that moment on the bed, Dean felt... pride. Of course he was heartbroken and horrified for what Castiel endured, but the fact that the angel hadn't talked, that further proved his overall willpower and strength.

”I heard your prayers,” Castiel's voice snapped Dean back to the present, “yours and Sam's. Before I retreated into my grace. I believe that helped me… hold on.” Dean didn't know what to say. He was exhausted mentally and emotionally, and so full of conflicting emotions he thought he might pass out. Castiel sensed it.

”Would you like to rest for a while?”

Dean nodded. Castiel went to get up so he could like down but Dean grabbed his arm, “Stay with me, Cas.” Castiel seemed relieved at the request, apparently still expecting Dean to cringe away from him, from _them_. They laid side by side, their arms barely touching. It was still new and Dean wasn't a snuggler in the best of times, but it was enough.

//

Dean woke up some time later, lying on his side facing away from Castiel. He realized his one hand had stayed behind when he had turned over and was clutching Castiel's own hand. Dean groaned and turned over. Castiel's eyes were closed and for a brief moment, Dean's heart sank. It had all been a dream, Castiel was still unconscious. There would be no happily ever after, no resolution.

But then Castiel opened his eyes and looked at him.

“Were you sleeping?” Dean asked. Castiel shook his head, “No, just resting.” then he smiled and Dean was suddenly breathless. Speechless. He would never tire of that smile.

He brought his hand up and pushed Castiel's hair behind his ears. Castiel turned so he was on his side as well, facing Dean. Dean let his fingers trace the outline of Castiel's ear, down to his jaw, chin, up over his lips and nose. Castiel closed his eyes as the fingers brushed over his eyelids and across his cheekbones.

Castiel's hand reached up and grasped Dean's wrist, forcing it to stay still. He let his own hand float up Dean's arm, over his bulging bicep and solid shoulder. Dean dropped his hand between them and allowed Castiel to explore him as he had explored Cas. Castiel traced Dean's face as well, but then traveled up to run his fingers through his hair. Dean closed his eyes, relaxing into the attention.

Dean opened his eyes and cupped Castiel's face. Before he could lean in, Castiel closed the distance. Castiel was no longer unsure, now he was confident. He kissed Dean hard. Their hands were in each other's hair as their tongues exchanged messages of desire. Castiel's hand found it's way under the blankets and onto his waist. Dean felt himself get pushed back and Castiel rolled on top of him.

Dean felt euphoric. His arms encircled Castiel's body securely. They were both breathing hard, but their lips didn't stop moving for a second. Dean reached down to lift Castiel's shirt, but Castiel sat back with a sharp inhale and pushed Dean's hands away roughly.

At first Dean thought he was just really into it, until he saw his face. Castiel looked scared again. Dean went up on his elbows to bring their faces closer. “Hey? Hey, what's wrong?” Castiel looked away ashamed, and Dean realized what it was. The last time they'd been shirtless together… things had fallen apart. Dean sat up straight, circling his arms to keep Castiel on his lap.

”It's okay. It's okay, Cas.” Dean looked up at Castiel. He pressed his face against his chest and they held each other. Dean hadn't hugged someone else this much in his whole life, but he knew he needed to right now, to show Castiel that everything would be okay. He would do anything to prove he wanted this.

Dean felt Castiel relax in his arms. He pulled back to look up at him but Castiel's lips were on his again. Dean decided to make sure they went at Castiel's pace. Luckily, Castiel's pace increased to match his as he reached down and pulled his own shirt over his head. Then he pulled Dean's off and they were lying down again. Feeling Castiel's chest against his own warmed him deep inside and ignited his love even more.

“Cas.” Dean moaned when Castiel left his lips and traveled down his neck. “I'm sorry for everything Cas. I love you so much. I'm so sorry.” He was on the verge of babbling, and Castiel had made it just past Dean's collarbones before coming back up and silencing him with his lips.

“I love you, Dean.” Castiel whispered.


	17. Chapter 17

Dean opened his eyes, and saw Castiel was looking at him as well. Their mouths were still touching but they weren't kissing, simply breathing into one another. With one swift movement Dean had flipped them so he was now on top. He had done it without a thought but remembered after that he had decided to let the other lead. He would just make sure to go slow, and pay attention to what his partner was telling him.

Dean kissed Castiel again, leaning onto one arm so that the other could hold Castiel's cheek. Dean was an experienced lover, mastered and perfected. He adjusted his techniques and improvised with what his bedroom rendezvous requested, preferred, or just what he had a feeling they'd like. But this was not that. Castiel was not clumped in as one of Dean's endeavors. It was so much more important, _Cas_ was so much more important.

Dean realized he was getting more hurried, and forced himself to slow down. Castiel was responding positively, but Dean needed to take his time. He moved to kiss Castiel's cheek, and then raised his head. He waited until Castiel opened his eyes before speaking.

“Is this okay?”

Castiel smiled, “Yes. Are you okay?” He raised an eyebrow when he asked, as if Dean was going to jump up at any moment and run out of the room. He couldn't really blame him for thinking that.

Dean smiled back, “Yeah. I'm good.”

With that, Dean start nibbling at Castiel's neck, flicking his tongue out and continuing over to the muscular shoulder. Cas moaned and bucked his hips against Dean's in response.

Apparently he was satisfied with the feeling he received from that movement, because then he was grinding against Dean, who had to bite the inside of his cheek to not ravage Castiel then and there. Moving slowly downward, Dean kept going until his mouth reached Castiel's navel, then he started coming back up. Castiel did _not_ like this, and Dean felt weightless and disorientated for a moment before realizing he was on his back and Castiel was on top.

Dean blinked and Castiel's mouth was on his own, and then he copied Dean's move by trailing down his chest and stomach. Castiel, though, didn't circle back up. Instead, he sat back on his heels and pulled Dean's jeans off.

It was awkward; Castiel ended up having to half stand up to pull them all the way off and then Dean's foot was stuck and he almost kicked Cas in the face. But it was fun, and they were laughing by the time Castiel climbed back on top of Dean, leaving his own pants on the floor as well. The men were just in their boxers now. Castiel looked down at Dean, who reached up to cup Castiel's head and they kissed passionately. Dean was patient, but started sensing some hesitation from the man above him.

”You okay?” Dean asked him, rubbing his hand along Castiel's arm comfortingly.

“I uhhh… I don't want you to run away.” Castiel answered with some difficulty.

“I'm not gonna run away.” Dean whispered, putting one of his hands on Castiel's back to squish them together even more. Castiel leaned his forehead against Dean's chest and took a couple deep breaths. It hurt Dean how much he had hurt Castiel. His other hand wrapped around Castiel's back as well, hugging him tight.

They stayed like that until a minute later, Dean felt Castiel _lick his fucking chest_ and it might have been a turn on had it not been at the most awkward time, and caught Dean by surprise. He started laughing loudly.

Castiel sat up and smiled widely at Dean, obviously not too disheartened that his move wasn't as seductive as he intended it to be. Recovering quickly, Castiel started inching his way down, still staring at Dean with a mischievous look on his face. Dean felt his pants constrict in response, but his stomach chose that moment to growl loudly. Castiel arched an eyebrow and looked as Dean as if to say _really? now?_

”Dean, your human body requires attention.” Castiel said, unimpressed.

Dean snorted, “Yeah, I noticed that. But uh, speaking of, I actually do have to take a piss.” Castiel sat up but stayed on top of Dean. He saw the mild concern on the angels face. “Hey, let me go pee, and then come into the kitchen while I find something to eat.”

Castiel nodded and gracefully got off the bed. He picked up his shirt before Dean snatched it away, throwing it back on the floor. “Why don't you just stay like that?” Castiel felt himself blush, but Dean just smiled and walked past him.

They didn't talk while Dean made his sandwich, but it was a comfortable silence. Dean was on the last bite when he saw Castiel open his mouth, then close it again as if changing his mind.

“What is it?” He asked him as he went to wash the plate in the sink. He waited, and when Castiel finally spoke, he sounded almost embarrassed.

“It's just that… I haven't been… Outside.” And Dean realized what he was saying. Since before he was captured. Months ago. He realized as well, that Castiel could have popped out at any moment but had wanted to stay with the human. Dean finished with the plate and set it to dry. Turning, he smiled at the awkward angel. “Well, let's go then.”

//

It was chilly outside. The air was still, but the crisp season had encompassed everything with a touch of frost. Dean could see his breath when they stepped outside and immediately made them turn back around. He bundled himself up more securely and gave Castiel a coat. “Dean, this is ridiculous, I'm an angel. I don't get cold.”

”Yeah, well, doesn't mean you don't need to keep your vessel warm.” He said, pulling a grey toque over Castiel's ears and then pulling one on himself. Castiel refrained from mentioning that his _grace_ kept the vessel warm, and just went with it. Dean was looking downright _adorable_ with all those layers on. A few minutes later they stepped out again for take two.

The men walked side by side in the middle of the desolate road. They'd been walking a few miles when Dean noticed the other pair of footsteps had ceased, and turned around.

Castiel was on his knees _petting_ a squirrel. Dean did a quick 360 to make sure no one was around to witness the odd encounter. He walked back and in that time, two squirrels had joined Castiel and a small chickadee was dancing around him chirping. Dean watched with nothing but infatuation for the man. The angel was so tender with the animals, allowing them to sniff him and climb on his shoulders. He looked so peaceful and content.

A movement in his peripheral vision caught Dean's attention and he turned to see a deer and her baby come towards them casually. Castiel was sitting cross-legged on the ground now, his eyes closed and a smile on his lips. Dean went and sat against a tree a few feet away, watching the live-action Disney movie, feeling privileged to be witnessing it. After a while, Castiel opened his eyes, and the animals calmy dispersed. He stood up and waited for Dean to follow.

As they made their way back to the bunker, Dean grabbed Castiel's hand and held it in his own.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Way longer but I wasn't about to break this up. We're finally at the good stuff aka smutty smut smut

The two men entered the bunker and Dean realized how cold he'd been. As they sauntered through the war room, he blew a warm breath into his hands and rubbed them together. Castiel stood in front of him and brought his hands around Dean's. They were warm, hot even, and Dean smiled at him.

Dean freed his hands from Castiel and grabbed his waist, pulling them close together. They kissed and Dean felt Castiel work the button on Dean's pants. He had planned to work their way up to this but he wasn't going to argue. Castiel's mouth was gone and Dean's mind was trying to catch up when he felt a breeze on his penis and then it was swiftly covered with a heat that made him gasp and groan all in one.

Dean leaned his butt against the table, feeling Castiel's tongue slick over his balls and up the length of his shaft. And then he was sucking and doing a little twirly thing and Dean felt his knees nearly give out. He put one of his hands behind him on the table and his other hand on Castiel's head. His speed increased like he was trying to suck the life right out of him.

“Oh fuck Cas.” Dean straightened and put both his hands on Castiel's shoulders, nudging him to back off. “Okay, wait wait wait. Just…” he laughed a little, “it's been a while.”

Castiel smirked up at him and stood. Dean spun them so that Castiel was against the table. Dean spat in his hand and reached down Castiel's pants. He savored the pained sound that came out of his mouth at the contact, and started sucking love bites into Castiel's neck. They were kissing again, and Castiel was breathing hard into Dean's mouth. When he whispered his partner's name, Dean lost it.

Castiel reached down and pulled Dean's hand out. He started walking away, shedding in clothes in his wake. He didn't wait for Dean, knowing he'd be two steps behind him. By the time they got to the bedroom, they were both in their boxers. Dean was about to grab onto Castiel to continue where they finished off, but Castiel whipped his boxers down.

“Alright we're doing this.” Dean said while pulling down his own, surprised with Castiel's brazenness. This was the first time they'd been naked with each other, and it was an impressive sight. Between the defined muscles and handsome faces, they made an attractive pair. They stood admiring one another before their eyes met. Their growing erections and identical expressions told each other they were both equally as eager. Dean reminded himself that although Castiel seemed more than ready, he would follow his lead, letting the angel set the pace with what made him comfortable.

It seemed Castiel had made a similar decision to let Dean take the wheel, and it was a hot minute before either moved. Dean found his mind wandering as he took in every inch of Castiel with his eyes. This man had been through so much; the physical torture, the mental restraint he'd shown. The rejection he'd received from Dean seemed like peanuts compared to that, but Dean knew Castiel was still affected by it, still unsure of their relationship. He felt a lump in his throat and the tears threatened to spill over. He looked up to see Castiel watching him, his face somber at Dean's sudden emotion.

Dean was waiting respectfully to give Castiel some time to adjust, but Castiel was waiting because he was expecting Dean to react negatively. He had to do something to show Castiel he wouldn't run away. Suddenly, Dean got an idea.

In the form of a mental prayer he knew Cas could hear, he showed Castiel what he meant to him, what verbal words could never convey. He closed his eyes and showed the explosion of happiness that Dean went through whenever the angel was around. He pushed the most loving, thoughtful feelings he had for the person in front of him. He thought of how he felt when he found out Castiel had been taken, how they'd had to fight their way through to him. How the brothers had both exiled their stomach contents at the site, but refused to give up. Dean pulled forward the memories of him talking to Castiel while he'd been unconscious, sitting by his bedside, and how he felt so hopeless but so full of love for the man he had done wrong by. And then he went back further. He thought of when he and a very drunk Castiel had been caught in the hallway and Dean had stormed off, not wanting to leave but too conflicted to stay. How he cried in his room that night and several more after that. It was hard to admit, even mentally, but Dean knew Castiel should see it.

Dean felt a soft hand brush against his cheek and opened his eyes to see Castiel's damp ones. Dean placed his own hand on top and then they were kissing. Soft, gentle, but oh so right. Castiel pulled Dean by the waist and they dropped on to the bed. Dean fell on top of Castiel and shifted so one of his legs was in between the other mans, allowing both of their crotch's some much needed friction to rub against.

Before long, their pace had increased, and the emotional moment turned heavy with desire. They were moaning constantly as Dean rubbed his body along Castiel's, who moved his own to meet Dean's. Castiel kept one hand in his hair and the other traveled down to Dean's cock. Dean lifted his body slightly so that Castiel could stroke him, and when he increased the speed of his hand, Dean buried his face in Castiel's shoulder trying to hold himself together.

Dean sat back on his knees and while the hand on his cock continued, he reached down and started working Castiel's own. Castiel's free hand was holding onto Dean's thigh and the grip became tighter as their movements became faster and more erratic. Dean stopped and pushed Castiel's hand away. He shifted so both Castiel's legs were under his body, and leaned down to kiss him tenderly. Castiel sat up slowly, making Dean lean back but their lips never disconnected. Dean had forgotten Castiel wasn't human until he casually wrapped an arm around Dean and lifted them both up easily, turning so Castiel was now on top and Dean's legs were wrapped around his waist.

Dean hated to break up the moment, but he was a little surprised. He opened his eyes, still kissing him, “Question for you...” he murmured against Castiel's lips.

”Hmm?”

”Are you a top?” Dean asked, and Castiel finally opened his eyes and pulled back a little to look at Dean's face, though his expression remained unchanged.

”What are you?” Castiel said after a moment.

Dean scoffed, “No way man. I asked first.” Castiel leaned back and sat in his heels. “I do tend to… _prefer_ top. But it kind of depends.”

”Depends on…?”

”What I feel like, as well as what my partner prefers.” Castiel cocked his head to the side. “And you?”

”Pretty much the same but opposite. I like to be the bottom but I'm alright either way.” Castiel was pleased with that answer. “So we are a good match.”

Dean laughed, “Yeah, I guess so.” He expected to return to what they were doing but Castiel hesitated, before adding “I… I don't want to do that tonight.” He said it like he was asking Dean permission for that to be alright.

“That's okay.” Dean said quickly, smiling to show he really meant it, and happy he told him instead of going along for something he didn't want to do. Dean felt the same way, wanting to take it slow.

Castiel smiled, and leaned forward again. He only kissed him for a moment before slithering down towards Dean's cock. He had a mischievous look on his face and teased him with his tongue, licking everywhere except where Dean was aching for it. Castiel started fondling Dean's balls as he took in the fully erect penis, and Dean felt the head hit the back of Castiel's throat. He was squirming and moaning out Castiel's name. Castiel would alternate his movements and speed to keep Dean's release at bay. Dean's hands were on his partner's head, scratching at his scalp and pulling his hair.

He could tell Cas liked it a bit rougher. He watched the angel perform his magic on him. He loved watching, and occasionally Castiel would look up to meet his eyes, and Dean knew he liked being watched as well. Dean arched his back as Castiel increased his speed.

“Cas. Caaaaas, okay wait I'm gonna… I'm…” he couldn't spit the words out, his whole body a victim to the pleasure. Castiel knew what he was getting at and backed off. Dean thought Castiel was never going to let him finish, but then Castiel's hand was on his cock rubbing vigorously up and down, lubricated with spit and pre-cum. At the same time, his mouth surrounded the head of Dean's penis and sucked.

”Oh Cas, fuck. Oh fuck!” Dean growled and came into Castiel's throat, who worked him through the orgasm and swallowed Dean's fluid until he was empty. Dean took a few moments to come down from his high. He wrapped his arms around Castiel and kissed him deeply. He hates the taste of semen, but loved to taste himself on Castiel, a reminder that they'd waited so long for this moment.

Dean lazily pushed them over so that he was on top, and started suckling and kissing Castiel all over. He wanted to kiss every part of his body by the end of the night. Every time he hit a sweet spot that made Castiel react more, he cataloged it into his memory for future use. Dean's lips reached Castiel's legs and sucked hickeys onto his inner thigh, and then went up a bit further and sucked one of his balls.

”Deaaan. Oh, Deeaaaaaan.” Dean's own cock twitched in response at hearing his name come out of the angel's mouth, despite having just gone a round. Dean played with Castiel's balls for a bit before shifting his attention to the rock hard dick. He didn't deep throat right away; he took his time, in and out, moving inch by inch. It took almost too long for Dean to have Castiel's whole length in his mouth. Cas was crying out now, scratching his fingernails along Dean's shoulders.

It took longer to bring Castiel to the edge than it had Dean, and as he got close he sat up and pulled at Dean's shoulders aggressively, begging their lips to meet. Dean obliged and they kissed roughly, teeth clacking and spit swapping. Dean was working Castiel with his hand now, unforgiving in his intensity.

“Oh fuck, Dean!” Castiel cried, spraying hot cum on Dean's hand and over both of their bodies. As he orgasmed he tucked his face into Dean's neck and wrapped an arm around Dean's muscular back, keeping them close together during the intimate moment.


	19. Chapter 19

When Castiel's breathing calmed down, Dean kissed him on the cheek and relaxed his weight on top of him. He was about to hop off and clean himself up when Castiel spoke, “Can I ask you a question?”

Dean leaned half off of Castiel, lying on his side propped up on his elbow, the other hand on the angel's chest. “Of course.”

Castiel was tense. “If you wanted this, why did you run away from me?”

Dean knew what he meant; ran away from the relationship, the feelings, the intimacy. “I was scared.” he admitted

”But before, you said you're still scared?” Castiel prompted. Dean looked at the angel and saw the same anxious look he'd had before, but with that was also honest curiosity. Dean sighed.

”Yes, I'm still scared, but it's different now. When I thought you were dead, I realized how fucking pointless it would have been to be let my own insecurities stop me.” He was stroking Castiel's chest absentmindedly.

Castiel thought about that. “What were you scared of? I know you have been with other men so…” Castiel trailed off, hoping Dean would fill in the blanks for him. Dean felt awkward talking about this, but it was a fair question.

”Yeah, I’ve been with other guys, not really in relationships though, so that was a small part of it. The main reason was because it was _you_.”

Castiel furrowed his brows but Dean anticipated the next question. “I don't have a great track record with relationships in general. You know the hunting life,” Dean huffed out a small laugh to try and alleviate the awkwardness of the conversation, though Castiel seemed unfazed. “So, um, normally it's a one-night stand, you know. _Maybe_ a weekend if it works out.”

Castiel nodded and interjected, “Like that person who's apartment you were in.”

”Yeah, exactly. But it's never anything more. But... I didn't want that with you. You deserved more.” Dean let out a shaky breath, no longer able to look at Castiel, “I didn't want _just_ sex with you, but I didn't wanna fuck up a relationship and lose you completely. So I tried to ignore the feelings. Just keep going as friends. Obviously, it was a bad call.” Dean laughed and ran his fingers through his hair nervously. Castiel was still looking at him silent.

The cum on their bodies was dry now and becoming gross, so Dean kissed Castiel on the cheek and got up, “I'm gonna go wash up.” When he returned to the bedroom, Castiel was gone.

// 

Dean woke up the next morning alone. He'd kept himself preoccupied the rest of the previous night, tidying up the bunker and even going out for some snacks, but Castiel hadn't returned.

He was a little scared; he'd opened himself up yesterday. They had finally had sex, and talked about everything, and it had all been so satisfying. So why was he gone? Did he have second thoughts about everything? Dean huffed out a frustrated breath, then got out of bed groggily and went to make some coffee, but was surprised to smell it already brewing.

Castiel sat in the kitchen, staring off into space. On the table was a spread of food; fresh fruit, muffins, bagels, cinnamon buns, you name it. Dean stood at the doorway shocked at the sight in front of him until he found his voice. “What’s with the smorgasbord, Cas?”

Castiel turned and stood up, smiling softly. “Dean. I wanted to show you how thankful I am for you being so open with me yesterday. I know talking about emotions is not your favorite pastime. Come in please.”

Dean was mad about Castiel disappearing, but he didn't want to freak out. “Cas, where did you go last night? What happened?”

Castiel averted his eyes and Dean was immediately suspicious. “I just had some business to take care of.”

Dean grabbed a coffee and sat down at the table. Castiel sat down as well. Dean sighed, “Cas, please talk to me. Okay we're… you need to tell me things, and not just run off.”

Castiel narrowed his eye at the hypocrisy. “ _You_ didn't talk to me. _You_ always ran away?”

Dean met his gaze, “Yeah, and I was wrong when I did. Think of how you felt when I did that.”

He let his words sink in and after a moment Castiel nodded. “I was visiting someone. Saying goodbye.” He raised his chin when he spoke, knowing he was going to have to defend himself.

“Saying goodbye? To who?” Dean couldn't help the judgement that creeped into his voice.

”A friend.” His voice hitched on the word “friend” and they both heard it. Dean waited, but Castiel didn't say anymore.

He slapped his hands against his legs, “Alright, fine.” He went to leave but before he could take more than two steps he felt a hand grab his arm.

“Wait. Please.” Castiel pleaded.

Dean turned back to face him. “Just tell me the truth, man.” Castiel nodded and they both sat back down again. Dean felt nervous. Was Castiel regretting what they'd done? Was he in love with someone else? Dean hated to think of the possibilities but as the silence went on, he couldn't help it. Finally Castiel spoke.

”I was, kind of, seeing someone,” Castiel spoke slowly and quiet, “just casually. But I needed to end it, say goodbye. Even though I didn't want to. I was… upset.”

Dean felt his stomach flip at the idea that Castiel would rather be with someone else. Castiel was eyeing him wearily, so he got up and walked over to the coffee machine to hide his face, pretending to pour himself some more. “So if you didn't want to say goodbye to them, then where does that leave us? I don't want you wishing you were with someone else while we're together.”

There was a long pause, but Dean didn't turn around. “I think maybe you misunderstood me. I was upset in that I had no desire to go and have that conversation at all.” Dean heard Castiel stand up and turned to see him standing less than a foot away.

“I did not want to go because all I want to do is stay by your side, especially after you were so honest with me yesterday. But he was leaving me voice and text messages, I figured it proactive to simply end it.”

Dean sighed in relief and nodded, “And that took all night?”

Castiel looked away. “Well I was doing something else as well.” And then he was gone.

Dean barely looked around before he appeared back in front of him again, his arms hidden behind his back. He looked sheepish, nervous.

“I may not be human myself, but I have observed your kind for centuries. There are things that seem awkward or unnecessary to me, but humans seem to appreciate.”

Dean was curious but impatient at the suspense. “Okay such as?”

”Well, when one desires a partner they must, for lack of a better word, ‘woo’ them. Prove they have things to offer the other person, and sometimes even the whole family. They can be items, like jewellery, to display wealth. Or, sentimental gifts that represent yourself or your partner and do not necessarily have any monetary value, but display an appreciation. That is the avenue I prefer to use in this particular moment to convey my feelings.”

With that, Castiel hesitantly brought his arms out in front of them. Putting his hands side by side, a single large feather lay there. It was beautiful; silver at the tip that gradually became a snowy white. Closer to the quill, the colour turned into a warm, ochre brown.

Dean was speechless. He thought about the feather in front of him and Castiel's words.

“Cas, are you… _wooing_ me?” He said, and he couldn't keep the smile off his face. It was so pure, so _Castiel_ to do something like this.

Before the angel could answer, it occurred to Dean what the feather was. “Wait a minute. Is that _your_ feather?”

Castiel nodded. “As you know, my true form is technically energy existing in alternating wavelengths, so this is a manifestation of my wings were they to take physical form. When angels find a mate, their grace intertwines, marking each other for the rest of time, to show their partnership. I thought this could be sort of a _physical_ representation of that, a compromise for both our culture's coupling rituals.”

He nudged his hands closer to Dean, insistent. “Do you… not like it?” His face fell as he asked.

Dean finally looked away from the feather and at Castiel in alarm. “What? No! No I love it Cas, it's amazing. But you didn't have to “woo” me, you already have me.”

Castiel beamed, but Dean was looking back at the feather hesitantly. “I don't want to wreck it.”

”You won't. I made it especially for you.”

Dean reached out cautiously, taking the feather carefully to not disturb the hairs. It was weightless as feathers are, but so much more beautiful than anything from Earth.

Dean looked up at Castiel, “It's beautiful. Thank you. Consider me officially ‘wooed’.”

Dean grinned at how happy and relieved Castiel looked. He loved the angel so much it hurt. They didn't know what would happen, but this was worth it.

”I love you so much, Cas.” Dean whispered, tears in his eyes.

Castiel put his hand on Dean's cheek. “I love you, Dean.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've gone through and done a final edit on the story and decided this will be the final chapter 
> 
> I will write shorter sequels to it over time to write more smut and domestic destiel.
> 
> Thank you everyone SO much for reading. Please leave me feedback I appreciate it so much.


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